Subj: [ffml] [MW][unofficial] Pantaloons Seeks His Destiny Date: 00-01-30 15:14:37 EST From: patszostak@juno.com (Patrick Szostak) Reply-to: ffml@onelist.com To: ffml@onelist.com From: Patrick Szostak After remembering his name, Pantaloons Angstfish, the mysterious orphan who has amnesia, hung around the Colliseum, fighting all challengers with his strange dancing and trademark, gimick weapon, a Sewing Machine Attached to a Long Iron Pole. (A mysterious man wearing a mask is watching Pantaloons as he fights a particularly pathetic challenger.) {Weakling McDumb}: Listen, Mr. Angstfish, I'm a shy man with a heart of gold, and I'm hear to impress this woman I'm secretly in love with. So, if you could do me a favor, when you defeat me, could you not...really beat the crap out of me? And then act like you almost had some slight difficulty fighting me. Please? C'mon, do it in the name of love! {Pantaloons}: Never! {Weakling McDumb}: But I'm unarmed and completely incapable of defending myself or fighting back! {Pantaloons}: Which will make it that much easier for me to really kick your ass! (Pantaloons proceeds to kick Weakling McDumb's ass five ways from Sunday.) {Mysterious Man}: There's no doubt about it, no one else bullies the weak and pathetic like him. But why doesn't he remember his identity? (Pantaloons kicks Weakling McDumb's ass the sixth and final way from Sunday, and the fight is over.) {Weakling McDumb}: *crumpled and bleeding on the ground* Oh god...I need an ambulance... {Pantaloons}: ...Whatever. Now give me a dollar, you miscreant! (Later, Pantaloons is celebrating his victory at the Colliseum's bar. The mysterious man who's wearing a mask decides to come over and talk to him.) {Mysterious Man}: Congratulations on your fight, Mr. Angstfish. {Pantaloons}: Thanks! It wasn't easy... *thinks* Oh, wait, it was. Nevermind. Say, let me buy you a drink, Mr....? {Mysterious Man}: My name is not important. I am merely a mysterious man. You can tell I'm mysterious because I'm wearing a mask. That way nobody will ever know my identity. {Pantaloons}: What about your nametag that says "Hank"? {Mysterious Man aka Hank}: Damnit!! {Pantaloons}: Don't worry, Hank, you can drown your woes in booze, just like Pantaloons Angstfish! Bartender, get a beer for my friend! *hands bartender the dollar he stole from McDumb* {Bartender}: Uh...this is just a dollar. It's not enough. {Pantaloons}: Oh really? I don't think you know who I am. *spotlight* I am Pantaloons Angstfish, the mysterious orphan who has amnesia. Do you know my origins? {Bartender}: No, I don't. Nobody does, Mr. Angstfish. {Pantaloons}: That's right! So you don't know what my super powers could be! They might be the ability to pay for a whole beer with just a dollar, for all you know. {Bartender}: Hey, that's right! Sorry, Mr. Angstfish! *gives Hank a beer* {Pantaloons}: So, Hank, what did you want to talk about? {Hank}: Well, like I said, I'm a mysterious man. I also wear a mask. You know what that means, right? {Pantaloons}: You know what my true identity is? {Hank}: That's right. Of course, I won't tell you right away. Rather, I'm just going to bait you with obscure hints, and maybe an incomprehensible flashback to your childhood. {Pantaloons}: Dang. {Hank}: Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that "the vision we are dreaming of is just dust in the cow...nothing more than dust in the cow..." Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make my mysterious disappearance. (Hank hops onto one of those old time bikes with the really big front wheel and pedals away, leaving Pantaloons to think about this obscure hint to his past.) {Pantaloons}: *thinking* Hmm...dust in the cow...dust in the cow... *thinks harder* ...dust in the cow... *thinks even harder* OW!! My brain!! {The Voice in Pantaloons' Head}: One of my feet is bigger than the other...and my big toe is really big... {Pantaloons}: Huh? Oh, of course! I've got to leave this Colliseum and travel out into the world to seek my destiny. Hey, guys, do any of you know where my destiny is? {Bartender}: I dunno...Pittsburgh? {Pantaloons}: Awww, I don't wanna go THERE!! But I guess I've got no choice. So long, losers. {Bar Flies}: So long, Mr. Angstfish! (Pantaloons leaves the Colliseum, and begins the long, greuling journey towards Pittsburgh, where his destiny waits.) ****Baron Philibuster von Hungerdunger**** Subj: The Cheese Rides Again (was: Re: [ffml] By the way...) Date: 00-01-30 15:14:45 EST From: patszostak@juno.com (Patrick Szostak) Reply-to: ffml@onelist.com To: ffml@onelist.com From: Patrick Szostak Brother Frosty: >Almost forgot. Hey Pat!!! > >So when will the Cheese in Pants Cult attempt to take over the world >again? Right now! .....okay, I lied. It's really NOW! ============== (Frosty is sitting in his big Tower, researching advanced Cheese Elemental spells. Or trying to, at least...) {Frosty}: Man, I'm hungry! Too bad I'm out of food...say, I wonder if my fellow cult members did any food shopping lately? (Frosty leaves his Tower and heads out into the vast deserts of Bolivia, which may or may not exist, to where the temple of the Cheese in Pants Cult is.) {Frosty}: Hey, guys! {Alan}: Hi, Frosty! What brings you here? {Frosty}: Food! We got any? {Alan}: No, we did have some, but then Cabbit said that it was evil and that it kept telling him to kill my sig, so he stuffed it into a rocket ship and blasted it into low orbit. {Cabbit}: I SAID I was sorry! {Alan}: Were you lying? {Cabbit}: ...Yes. {Alan's Sig}: ......... {Alan}: What's that, Sig? You're wondering if Beth should be in this or not, because you don't know if she's still on the list? {Alan's Sig}: .......... {Frosty}: Say, that's a good question. I'll use my Cheese magic to divine the answer! (Frosty casts a spell, and suddenly Alan gets bombarded by cubed mozzerella.) {Alan}: [running around] Owowowowowow!! {Frosty}: Oh, wait, there is no Cheese divination spell. I must have casted the "Cubed Mozzerella Bombardment" spell. I'd better cancel it. {Cabbit}: No, don't. I'm getting a sadistic kind of pleasure from watching this. {Frosty}: Hee hee! Yeah, me too. (Cabbit and Frosty watch as Alan gets pelted by Cheese. Alan, being a pacifist, cannot fight back, but his Sig valiantly comes to his rescue, throwing a brick at Cabbit and giving Frosty a wedgie.) {Frosty}: Owwie... {Alan}: [teary eyed] Thanks, Sig! You're a true friend! {Alan's Sig}: ............ (Frosty recovers from his wedgie and goes to the kitchen to see if there's any food that Cabbit didn't launch into space, but on his way he bumps into a large, strange object that he really should have noticed as soon as he entered the temple.) {Alan}: Oh yeah, that's Pat's Mammon Machine. He built it awhile ago, but hasn't done anything with it since then. {Frosty}: Say, where is Pat, anyway? {Alan}: I don't know. I haven't seen him around here for some time... {Cabbit}: I hope I didn't launch him into space or anything... {Alan}: ...it's almost as if he traveled through time 600 years into the future to be Mog's general in the third Moogle War, but then he got amnesia and is currently fighting in a Colliseum under the "FF7-style tough guy noun-name" of Pantaloons... {Frosty}: But that couldn't be it. {Alan}: Right. {Cabbit}: Say, the "time travel button" on the Mammon Machine is kind of dusty. Maybe I should dust it. {Frosty}: I don't see why not. {Alan's Sig}: .............! {Alan}: What's that? Pressing the "time travel button" could-- {Cabbit}: Touch! *presses the button* (Suddenly, Cabbit, Frosty, Alan, his Sig, Beth if she's still on the list, and any other CiPC members I may have callously forgotten about are blasted into a Chrono Trigger style time gate.) {Alan}: --cause us to travel through time? Sig, that's ridiculous! *looks around him and notices that they're traveling through time* Oh, nevermind. {Frosty}: I can't travel through time NOW! My soaps are starting in fifteen minutes! I'm gonna miss them! {Cabbit}: Hey, there's the other side of the Time Gate. I wonder where we'll end up? {Frosty}: It had better be fifteen minutes in the future... {Alan}: I bet it will be someplace exciting and enlightening! {Cabbit}: But it could just as easily be someplace stupid and painful. {Alan}: Didn't Laguna's grandma ever tell you? If you say something bad, then it'll come true! {Cabbit}: I think she did...but she was drunk at the time, so I didn't take her very seriously. (The CiPC members pop through the other end of the Time Gate, landing in a large auditorium filled with plain looking people with thick glasses and cardigans.) {Boring Guy}: Hello...and welcome...to the, uh...convention for...how do you say...? people who...um, talk slowly...about...*sigh*...incredibly...boring...things... {CiPC Members}: AUUUUGGGGHHH!!! =================== Yes, this will eventually tie into the main MW plot (at some point), but only if Frosty, Alan, Cabbit and any other people I may have callously forgotten about are willing to do some writing too. I can only write so much; after all, I'm just one man, no matter how attractive and intelligent I may be. *nose extends three feet forward, breaking monitor* Oww!! Why did that happen? Anyway, next? ****Baron Philibuster von Hungerdunger**** Date: 00-02-04 18:37:49 EST From: His Dark Lordship It wasn't long after that he started to get sleepy. Pantaloons thus went to sleep. Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... Zzzzzz... When he awoke, there was a young looking blonde gal in a black cloak. "You are the one..." she said gravely. "AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!" screamed Pantaloon. The woman stood up. "What? What's wrong?" "I have no idea. I just thought it'd be dramatic." "Ah. Anyway, I am an apprentice to the Dark Lord.." "Dark Lord?" asked Pantaloon. The woman suddenly began to look annoyed. "What? You think because I'm a woman I can't be a mistress of the powers of darkness!?! You chauvanistic pig! Let me tell you, I kicked the SHIT out of all my male competetors, and I am in all means superior to any of the other apprentices.." "Woah, woah.." said Pantaloon "I was just wondering who the Dark Lord was. As you seem to know, I am Pantaloon Angstfish, the mysterious orphan who has amnesia, and I've never heard of him." "Oh.." she said. "The Lord of Darkness is just what it sounds like, the supreme lord of all that is evil and fun to do." "Ah!" said Pantaloon, raising his finger up and waving it around his face. "....right. I am Selena, and the Lord of Darkness requires your presence, for, you are the one." "The one what, hon?" "YOU AND YOUR SEXIST COMMENTS!!" screamed Selena. "That's it, you pig. Soldiers!" From the bushes around them came five large reptilian horrors. Black skin, sleek yet obviously stronger than any human, with golden penetrating eyes. "AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!" screamed Pantaloon. The Lizards all looked at Selena. She slapped her forehead. "I... apologize. I just get sick of all the chauvanistic attitudes around the world. So, will you come with us to the realm of Darkness?" "Well, no one has explained exactly what this 'one' is..." commented Pantaloon. "You'll find out when you get there." she said. Will Pantaloon accept the offer? Or will he get torn to shreds by the big scary lizards? Is Selena really a man? Find out next time, same time, same station! -- The eternal lord of darkness... "And if our dreams sometimes come true, then what of our nightmares?" -GM of FF2c -Former ruler of the ffml ICQ UIN# 23424269 IRC Nicks: TheDarkLord, GannondorfDragmire, occasionally Blackthorne System: Amiga 4000/040 Cybervision64 & Opalvision ---INTEL/MICROSOFT FREE---