Subj: [ffml] [MW][unofficial] Introducing the mysterious "???"
Date: 99-12-31 16:54:38 EST
From: patszostak@juno.com (Patrick Szostak)
Reply-to: ffml@onelist.com
To: ffml@onelist.com
From: Patrick Szostak
The Colliseum, a big, yucky pit o' depravity; a mecca for the unwashed
and the unethical alike. It is here that high stake battles are battled,
the most recent ones being won almost entirely by a mysterious fighter
known only as "Funky Town"...
{Ultros}: Alright, gore-fest afficianados, the next match is about to
begin! The current champion and fan favorite, heavyweight wrestler Funky
Town, will be taking on a mysterious young man.
{Crowd}: Boo! That's no match for Funky Town!
{Ultros}: Oh, wait, I'm reading this wrong...says here the mysterious
young man has amnesia.
{Crowd}: Ooooooh!
{Dirty Looking Thug}: Whoa! A mysterious amnesia sufferer! I bet he's
an orphan too!
{Drunken Mercenery}: He must have all kinds of super powers!
{Thug}: Maybe he came from another planet, and will single handedly save
the world from the Moogle scourge, just like in the Prophecy!
{Mercenery}: You mean the propechy that's been handed down from
generation to generation for a thousand years?
{Thug}: No, I mean the Prophecy I just made up...
[The lights dim, and the Dirty Looking Thug recites the prophecy...]
{Thug}: In the world's darkest hour, a mysterious orphan with amnesia who
has an improbable looking weapon and a short name which is also a noun
will arise to fight against the timeless foe. But beware, for his actions
may bring about the end of the world as we know it, and I will get beat
up for babbling on for too long...
{Ultros}: Shaddap! [throws a barrage of beer cans at Thug, who collapses]
{Mercenary}: Oh no! He got beat up, just like in the prophecy! That
means...IT'S GONNA BE THE DAY!!! Everybody, run around screaming and
trampling each other! The end of the world is nigh!
{Horse}: Niiigh!
{Ultros}: Quiet, you! No more bets will be taken, people! The fight is
about to begin!
Inside the fighting arena of the Colliseum, a largely muscled man wearing
a ridiculous spandex costume swaggers around, saying stupid catch phrases
that make the crowd go wild.
{Funky Town}: Funky Town's gonna bring it to yer mothers, ya sissy ass
whores!
{Crowd}: Yeah!!! Woo hoo!!
Amidst the buffoonery inspired by Funky Town and his antics, few notice
the arrival of the mysterious challenger, clad in frayed jeans and a
Lupin III t-shirt. He says nothing, content to let Funky Town bask in
his fleeting pop culture fandom.
{Ultros}: Presenting the champion, the Lieutenant of Low Brow, the Daimyo
of Demeaning Insults, the Executive Vice President of Excrutiating
Pain...everybody's favorite smack-down-layer-on-er, Funky Town!
{Funky Town}: Funky Town's gonna bitch it to tha whore crack, Daddy Smack
Pants!
{Crowd}: Boo yea!!
{Ultros}: And the challenger, the Mysterious Orphan who has Amnesia,
"???"!
{???}: ...Whatever.
{Crowd}: Whoa!!
{Funky Town}: Bring it to tha smack house, Kissinger!
{Ultros}: Alright! Let's get slaughtering!!
{Funky Town}: Funky Town says: "The chicken bitch whore daddy's gonna
math yer ass up to Sunday!"
{???}: Hmph. Your stupidity and inarticulate ramblings are no match for
my mysterious aura of mystery! Try to guess my origins!
{Funky Town}: I...I can't!
{???}: That's right. So as far as you know, I could be a Lunarian Sage
and Tabloid Photographer!
{Funky Town}: AIIEEE!!
{Crowd}: *gasp*
{Funky Town}: I mean, um, ahem, Funky Town don't take chicken puffs from
no clown, Kissinger!! I'm gonna shove yer nose up yer ass, and kick you
in the face with it!!
{???}: Huh?
{Funky Town}: Shut up!! It's time you heard a taste of the Funky Town
Smap Tap Attack!
Funky Town starts posing and swaggering around, much to the enjoyment of
the audience. Eventually he swaggers his way towards ??? and begins
poking him in the stomach.
{Funky Town}: Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke!
{???}: ....Whatever.
{Funky Town}: Huh?
{Crowd}: *gasp*
{Funky Town}: (Nobody's ever withstood the Funky Town Smap Tap Attack,
and with such indifference, no less! It's positively unprecedented...)
Alright you, Funky Town says it's time for baby bitch Pappy ta put the
gum with the monkey pants!
{???}: That's what they all say. Take this! [starts doing the
Charleston]
{Funky Town}: (Oh my! Is he mocking me?) GRRR!!!!
{???}: Ha! You've only seen a fraction of my annoying indifference.
It's time for Turbo Mooning! [starts dancing and waving his posterior in
Funky Town's general direction]
{Funky Town}: {The gall!! The tremendous gall of it!!)
...grrrr....grrrr.....GRRRAAAAA!!!
{Ultros}: Hokey geez!! The mysterious orphan who has amnesia has caused
Funky Town to launch into a fit of homicidal rage! That can't be good!
{Funky Town}: [chasing ??? around the arena] GRRRRAAAAR!!
{???}: Famous last words...now it's time to end this. Prepare yourself
for my special attack....
{Crowd}: *gasp*
{???}: The fearsome and ridiculous... ??? Shuffle!!
??? launches into a complicated dance routine and ten minutes of flashy
FMV. By the end of it, Funky Town (and most of the spectators) is bored
senseless. Looking to end the match, ??? takes out his trademark
weapon...
{???}: Get ready to receive your comeuppance at the hands of my trademark
weapon, a Sewing Machine Attached to a Long Iron Pole!
{Funky Town}: Oh no!
??? clobbers Funky Town with his unique weapon, called a Carpwuffer Pole,
which sends the wrestler flying out of the stadium and into the
ionosphere. Though he's just won the match, ??? seems strangely
dejected...
{???}: But...I want to know what love is...
Suddenly, a high pitched whistle annoys everyone in the stands and causes
??? to fall to the ground, clutching his head while a familiar voice in
his head speaks to him.
{Voice}: Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're
going to get...
{???}: AUGH!! .....
As the crowd watches in stunned silence, ??? gets up looks around in
amazement.
{???}: I remember...my name is...Pantaloons.
And so, knowing only his name, the mysterious orphan Pantaloons (who has
amnesia) prepares for the beginning of a presumably epic journey. But
questions remain. Who is this mysterious orphan who has amnesia? Is a
goofy dance really the full extent of his super powers? And will this
dumb subplot ever tie into the actual plot of the Moogle War? Only time
will tell...
**********Pat "Quisinart" Szostak**********
--High Priest of the Cheese in Pants Cult
--Fanatical Defender of Shampoo's Cuteness
--Self-Proclaimed Emperor of France
--IRPO Patrolman (Really!)
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Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:52:43 -0500
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Subject: [ffml] [MW][unofficial] Introducing the mysterious "???"
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