Subj: [ffml] [MW] Anger
Date: 98-10-15 03:49:49 EDT
From: jandoc@hawaii.edu (Schala)
Reply-to: ffml@onelist.com
To: ffml@onelist.com
From: Schala
She had never felt this way before.
It was like a searing heat that began in the pit of her stomach
and rose up to choke her heart, then exploded in a mass of painful sparks
that died slowly, torturously away.
She was happy to be free of the Moogle camp, but as the days
passed, she seemed to have lost all will, all sense of direction.
She had wanted to return to Bacca as soon as possible, but slowly
the urgency was fading from her mind.
This was perhaps the closest she had ever come to the edge of
sanity...Even her days following her return were nothing compared to what
she was feeling now.
She lost all sense of herself...
Even though her only company was Frog and Kaitlin, she felt so
stifled. She wanted to be alone, but Frog's protective eye wasn't letting
her go off anywhere by herself. She had at first felt sadness.
Then a new feeling began to emerge.
What it was, she couldn't quite describe it. It was an urge that
went against her nature, one so primitive that she hadn't realized she had
it. But it was there, buried deep within her soul. The dark forces of
her very being swirled around restlessly, gaining in power and strength
until they finally burst free from their confinement and spilled out,
infecting her brain, her mind, her actions.
She first knew the feeling was there when she woke up gasping for
air one night after a nightmare...a nightmare that had replayed a certain
event, in vivid, distorted color. The Moogleboars had been larger,
hairier, more merciless, more frightening. Her terror had been greater,
her helplessness weighing like a thousand lead stones on her chest...
And she had felt it...
She had wanted...to hurt...to torture...
...To KILL...
She didn't care who or what. And no sooner had she woken up and
the thought had passed through her mind than she had reached for the small
dagger she now kept, risen quietly, and gone over to one of her sleeping
companions.
She had stood over Kaitlin, watching the druidess' even breathing.
She hated it. She was envious that Kaitlin could sleep so peacefully
while she herself had no comfort from the nighttime world...a world that
was once her friend...
And the hatred had grown and expanded and shook her entire self
until her face was contorted beyond any ugly countenance imaginable...
And she had taken the dagger...raised her hand...and stabbed...
...her arm.
Her hand was clentched around the hilt, her arms seemed to be
frozen in time. She watched with an eerie satisfaction as the blood
seeped from the wound and stained the robes that she had just mended.
She stood there for a long, long time.
Blood ran down her arm, over her fingers, and dripped to the
ground.
Then slowly, slowly...she had pulled it out. She had savored in
the pain she was feeling.
But she wanted to know how it would feel like...to kill...
Slowly she moved the dagger until it was pointing at her heart...
She stood very, very still, the dagger clutched so tightly her
knuckles were white. Her other hand was fisted as the pain began to get
unbearable.
The tears ran fiercely from her eyes. But still she was stolid,
her jaw clentched to prevent her breaking down.
Then...almost in slow motion...she moved her hand away...
Finally she cut off a piece from her hem and bound her wound.
Although she knew the others would see the blood and ask her about it, she
did not care.
She wiped the dagger on a clump of grass and stuck it back into
the sheath on her belt. She lay down again, the exultation still filling
her chest.
She had never felt like this before.
And, strangely...she enjoyed it.
The way to meet your fate
is to try your hardest to avoid it.
---
Wilma Jandoc aka Enya *ICQ: | "Life can only be understood
jandoc@hawaii.edu *14710984 | backwards. But it must be lived
nabiki_tendo@geocities.com | forwards."
http://www2.hawaii.edu/~jandoc | - Binkley,
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9800 | "Bloom County"
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Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 21:49:27 -1000
From: Schala
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Subject: [ffml] [MW] Anger