Subj: [ffml] [MW] Return of Jaana Date: 98-10-03 13:37:21 EDT From: His Dark Lordship Jaana groaned as her alarm went off. She hit it then rolled over. Then she heard cannon fire, and a bunch of orkish shouts and jeers. And they wouldn't stop. She swore, and crawled out of bed. Sephiroth came out of the outhouse, clutching his stomache. Jaana looked at him. Since they were frozen in time for those months, he had developed a potbelly. It was so.. odd.. They dressed and went out to see the comotion. The orks were jeering, throwing axes into trees, swimming, dancing around bonfires, and all sorts of festivities. "Wow, a party." said Jaana. She jumped Marle style. "Let's join in." Sephiroth nodded, and followed her a short ways, then stopped, and clutched his stomache again. He let out a groan of pain. "What's wrong, honey?" He let out an even louder one. She screamed for a medic. * * * * * * * * * Sephiroth groaned as he went through another faze. "Listen, you short, green imp, how could my love toy be PREGNANT!?!" she yelled. "Ahz dunno. Bot 'e iz." said the Goblin doc. "Ah t'ink ah canz anzwer dat." said Drugga, coming in. "Go on.." said Jaana, agitated. "When zee fuzzie wuzziez assimulatez a dude, 'dey install a womb." "Alright, but I don't have the right plumbing to impregnate someone." "'ow long wuz it since Seph wuz taken outta Mogz queen'ood? 9 months?" Jaana stood wide eyed. She looked at Sephiroth. "Alright, we're going to the abortion clinic RIGHT NOW." "Abortion? Hell no!" yelled Sephiroth between convulsions. "Why not?" she asked. Sephiroth grinned. "I'm going to be a mommy." Jaana slapped her face and let out a groan. "Aw, loighten up." said Drugga. "'ere, 'ave sum fungus beer." he handed her a tankard. She took a drink and swallowed it harshly. "Bleah." she said. "Ya don' like our toadstool extract?" he asked. "No, I don- TOADSTOOLS!?!?!" Date: 98-10-03 14:54:10 EDT From: "Jaana" Drugga let out an incredibly annoying belch and scratched himself. Sephiroth shouted a string of obscenities as another contraction began. Jaana looked at him, looked at Drugga, then in one swift motion, threw back the remaining contents of the tankard. She grimaced at the taste. "Drugga, you'd better have something a LOT stronger than this..." "Yea....we'z gots da moss likker.....dat's strong." "Well, I think I'll be needing some of that, about now." "Okey...." Drugga motioned to one of the goblins standing guard. The goblin nodded and disappeared. Drugga pointed to Sephiroth. "Ya know, it'z funny ya didn' notiz dat 'e was gettin' chubby." "Drugga..." "Yea?" "Shut up." "Okey." The goblin doctor ran up to Jaana. "It'z almos' time." "Um, why are you telling me?" "He iz yer love toy, ain' 'e?" "Yeah" "Well......." Sephiroth let out another blood-curdling scream. "We don' know where itz gonna come out....." Subj: [ffml] [MW] Da mirakal uv krea'ion Date: 98-10-05 23:08:39 EDT From: His Dark Lordship Sephiroth roared from the labour pains. Jaana had abandoned the tent in search of something stronger than the moss liquor. The goblins were scurrying about Sephiroth, setting tools in place. Then, a hush came over the room(except from Sephiroth) as the 'ed sergun came in. He was another goblin. "Awright boyz, we iz 'bout ta make medikal 'istory. Weez iz gunna deliva a kid frum a guy!" The goblin dokz cheered. Sephiroth swore. "GET THIS DAMN THING OUTTA ME!!!!!!" "Okay, okay, ya don' hafta be pushy." "It's been a 14 hour labour." "Oh. Boyz, lot'z get ta werk." the 'ed sergun stood over Seph's table. "Skalpel." "W-wait, aren't you going to put me under first?" "Gas iz fer wimpz. Hatchet." Sephiroth's eyes widened, doubled with the labour pains. "Diz iz a tekneek ta get 'is mind uff da laber." said the 'ed sergun as he drove the hatchet into Sephiroth's leg. * * * * * * * * * * "'Ey! Babe! Wot're ya doin' in da booze cellah?" Jaana limped out from the shadows with a bottle of lichen whiskey in her hand. "Woah... I have seen the future.... I have one hell of a hangover..." She limped up the stairs, fell down them, then limped back up the stairs. * * * * * * * * * * "Da, the womb ain't ova 'ere!" "Dam doz mooglez, whare do dey stik da damn thingz?" "We 'ave no time!" yelled the 'ed sergun as he ran up with the defribulator. "Klear!" Sephiroth's eyes widened as he got shocked. "Umm, 'ed sergun, sir, 'ez not ded yet." "Oh yah... serry, ah getz werk'd up sumtimez." Sephiroth was now screaming due to both the labour pains and the gaping holes in his body revealing his innards. "Ah gotz it!" yelled the 'ed sergun. He pulled out a chain saw. "Weez kan sew 'im up laterz." "'ed, diz iz a HUMIE. 'dey don' 'eal like weez do." "WOT? Diz sux!" * * * * * * * * * Jaana stood there in the ring. The orks were roaring. "Alright, Brutus, yer gonna see how *I* fight!" she huccuped. She tackled the Ogre and knocked him outta the ring. The crowd cheered. Jaana twirled her spear until the flat end of it gonged her in the head. * * * * * * * * * "Weez got 'im!" yelled the 'ed sergun. "Wow, o'd ah thoute dat doz fuzzy wuzziez wud stik da womb in da azz..." The 'ed sergun held the baby up in his arms. It looked human, except it had the little puff balls above it's head and tiny little wings. "Sef, yer sun." he held the child before Sephiroth. "Unnnnnn..." moaned Sephiroth. "Maybez weez shud get 'bout ta sewin' 'im bak up." "Yes!" yelled the 'ed sergun as he grabbed the defribulator. "Klear!" Sephiroth's body jumped. "'ez not ded yet." "Oh yah... Lotz get da sewin' needlez." * * * * * * * * * * * Jaana sat on the log around a campfire with a load of drunk orks, including Drugga. They decided to sing a song, with each person making a verse. Drugga started. "Weez wunce wuz livin' in da wastlandz Weez wunce wuz livin' in da holz Weez wunce wuz livin' in da caviez Bot darz no place lika 'ome!" "Ma dog came 'ome wit a stuntie Ma kid threw it in da wall, Ma wife beat 'iz nadz ta submizzion, Ba far weez 'ad a ball!" Jaana's turn came up. "My lovetoy'z goin' through labour, Some crazy goblin freaks took control, this beer is the best I swear, Who'd've thought such bliss came from mold!" "Da doktaz say dot malez, 'an goyles belowz age 8, kannut bear babiez, bot 'fer uz dare doin' groet!" "Ah, am a simple goat, Ah live on de bak, uv a pickup truck, da old man, tied me 'ere, wit a 3 fut rope, Am ah happy? 'e don' geeve a fuk..." "Ya don' know 'ow it feelz Ya don' know 'ow it feelz Ya don' know 'ow it feelz Ta be meeeeeee..." "Ah don' know if dar reallll... Ah don' know if dar reallll... Ah don' know if dar reallll... Or thar faaaaaaaaake..." "Ma peniz, it iz 'ard, ded 'ard peeeniz..." The song slowly degenerated from here... * * * * * * * * * Sephiroth held the child lovingly, trying to hide the 20 different sets of stitches from the reader.. "Mommyhood is so great.. If I had had this before, I wouldn't have gone and summoned meteor...." Up next: Jaana's hangover and Jaana & Sephiroth argue whether males can breastfeed or not! Subj: [ffml] [MW] Meeting of the leaders... Date: 98-10-06 22:25:02 EDT From: His Dark Lordship Drugga sat, singing around the fire with all da boyz, and Jaana, when a goblin ran up with a memo. He read it. "Aww crap! Iza gotz ta go." He got up, boarded his powerful wild boar, and rode off.. * * * * * * * * Mog, Ozzie/Slash/Flea, Azala and Kjltec(representing the lizarian alliance) stood at the registered meeting spot. "Damn. He's late." said Mog. "This is a trap, you realize." said Azala. "Bacca is going to come at us with a 10000 troop army." "We said we'd come alone." said Ozzie. "If Bacca tries anything he will go down as the biggest coward in history." "How do you figure that?" inquired Mog. "I've arranged it." laughed Ozzie. "You see, our friend the Dark Lord took the time of informing several of the leading nations of the prophecy, thus forcing neutrality. Have you ever noticed that places like Doma, Baron and Fabul have never sent troops to help Bacca's army?" "In addition.." added Slash "We've made moves to make sure Bacca wouldn't DARE attack us. This area is extreamely well fortified, just over those hill, as a matter of fact, with the largest alliance of human nations around. If Bacca were to try anything, they've swarm him and take him out." "Damn." said Azala. "And I thought I had thought of everything." he then gave a hearty laugh. "Well, here he comes, with his little lady right behind." They then heard a grunt and some running behind them. They turned. "'Ey boyz, surry 'm late." said Drugga. Bacca and the Lady Paladin rode up on their chocobos. They dismounted. "Well well well, glad to see you met the criterea." said Flea. "Now let's get down to business." "Right." said Bacca. "I am giving you a chance to surrender." The alliance leaders looked at him oddly. Lady Paladin pushed him back. "Perhaps I should negociate." she said calmly. "I have heard of a prophecy, and that it somehow involves the perver- err, Dark Lord. Can any of you explain." "Simple." said Mog. "The gods have decreeded that Bacca must be permenently removed from the war before I am, or else they'll destroy the world." "Those bastards." muttered Bacca. "Always ruining my fun." "What was that?" asked LP, turning back. "Nothing." She turned back to the leaders. "I'm sure we can come to an agreement that we're all happy about. What exactly do you want." "I want.." said Mog "For you to stop oppressing us. For years you have treated us like slaves, only their for your enjoyment. We have simply payed you back for the lives you took." "It is the same with us." said Ozzie. "We were treated as toys, caged, and shipped to remote parts of the world as showtoys. We eventually revolted, and we have again." "According to legend, we have had similar experiences long in the past." said Kjltec "But I think the problem here is that you humans take this world for granted. You act as if the world is your playroom, and it's creatures your toys. You raise creatures only so they can die, and you sell their remains. You treat other creatures as slaves. You cannot control your exploding population, so you instead take the homes of other creatures for your own, and leave them to die..." Bacca spat. "As if you don't do that yourselves." "We hunt." said Ozzie. "Our food consists of creatures that are born free, not being restricted to a ranch and not living only to be shot. Our prey has a chance, and we only take the sick and old, those that will likely not survive anyway." Azala and Kjltec nodded, as if they were similar. Mog decided to add. "We take what we need. We happen to be very resourceful, and in fact much of the moogle diet consists of vegtables. Most of our meat now comes from battles." They all looked at Drugga. "Weez eat wot weez eat." he said. "Many uv uz eat utha orkiez, many uv us eat squiggiez, bot most uv us 'unt 'orses." "And Drugga." said LP. "What do you want?" "Ah wanna see yah turned into a duck and you and dat bozo ya like ta screw marooned on sum ship off in space." Everyone look oddly at him. "And why is that?" asked Azala. "Der' annoyin'." said Drugga. "An' itz coz uv dem dat I'm not gettin' drunk roight now." "Listen, Bacca." said Mog. "We need you to surrender. Surrender and we will stop all military campaignes and leave you at peace." Bacca sighed, and held out his hand. "You have yourself a dea-" he pulled away his hand. "No! I shall kill you all!" "Bacca?" asked LP. "What am I doing?" he asked aloud. "My men are suffering, we're drafting bloody children.. I can't make them do this." he then laughed. "But they are a small price to pay for the destruction of YOU!" Azala sighed. "Bacca, get that damn spirit out of you before you get yourself killed." "Yes! I'm being used-BLOOOD!" Kjltec groaned. He remembered the Dark Lord saying Bacca had the equivalent IQ of a bucket, but this was rediculous. "BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE" went on Bacca "BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE FUCK LP BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE BLOOD PEACE" LP, looking rather embarassed, took the frothing Bacca, put him on his chocobo and led him off. "I guess we continue to fight.." sighed Mog. "Damn, I hope the Dark Lord gets back soon." grumbled Azala. "He's just gonna LOOOOVE this." -- The eternal lord of darkness... I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. -GM of FF2c -Ruler of #ffml System: Amiga 4000/040 Opalvision ---INTEL/MICROSOFT FREE---