Subj: [ffml] [MW] The Iconic Performativeness of Languative Imagery
Date: 98-09-25 00:05:32 EDT
From: RaumKatze2@aol.com
Reply-to: ffml@onelist.com
To: ffml@onelist.com
From: RaumKatze2@aol.com
While Spacecat's body was by the campfire, with Chaos, Lorak, Seph, and
the Sliders, Spacecat's slumbering mind was in a much different place, a
serence place with different concepts of time and space.
After an unmeasurable amount of time, Spacecat realised that he existed.
He studied his wearabouts. He was in a room filled with books. The ceiling
seemed to be over 50 feet high, and all of the walls were bookshelves. There
was a man sitting at a desk in the room.
"Hello," said Spacecat to the man.
"Hello," said the man.
"How long have I been here?" Spacecat asked.
"Well now, that's a toughy. When you got here, my clock said, "Spatula,"
and now my clock doesn't exist, because it hasn't been invented yet."
Spacecat gave the man a puzzled look.
"That's how things work around here," said the man.
"And where exactly is here."
"Here is somewhere else," replyed the strange man.
Spacecat started to get peeved. "I've had enough of your cryptic answers.
Tell me what this place is!"
"This place," said the man, "Is the library... of the Reis Weapon."
"The what weapon?"
"Oh! You haven't heard of it yet. Don't worry. You will know of the
Reis Weapon soon enough."
"Hmm, so what's in these books, anyway?" asked Spacecat.
"Anything, everything, and nothing," said the librarian. Spacecat
decided that it would probably be better just to look at the books himself.
He walked over to one wall of books. He picked out a book at random titled,
'Reis Book' by Reis Weapon. Spacecat looked back at the wall of books and
realized that they were all by Reis Weapon. He opened the book to the first
page, and began to read...
-----------------
Part One, dig dis: Unnerwears Snotchin'
Seph23: ah cunnin'ly 'elter-skelta' up behind DLE an' nick 'is li'l pink 'eart
boxers den proudly 'old dem dahn an' yell, "ah claim d' boxers in d' dojigger
uh d' Tribe uh d' Magic Unnerkegs! Struth! Right on! Struth!"
Kaitlin mince pies d' deranged Seph warily, also wonnerin' jest WHERE DLE gots
dem unnerwar. Ah be baaad... An' wut be dis 'yar TotMU 'e raps uh . . .?::
Kain, dig dis: An' furdermo'e, WHY'd DLE 'af dem?, then, mate? An' fo' t'oda'
din'....wuffo' duz Seph uh all varmints need dem, hmmm??, isit?
DLE: "NOOOOOOOOOO! Struth! Right on! Oi! Fry mah 'ide! Struth! Preach it loud,
right, bruddah! Honest guv! Fry mah 'ide! Right! Preach it loud, right,
bruddah! Fry mah 'ide! Oi! Preach it loud, bruddah! Honest guv! Fry mah 'ide!
Right! Preach it loud, right, bruddah! Struth! Fry mah 'ide! Honest guv!
Preach it loud, bruddah! Oi! Fry mah 'ide! Struth! Right on! Struth! Mah
unnerwar! Struth! Right on! Oi! Fry mah 'ide! Honest guv! Preach it loud,
bruddah! Right! Fry mah 'ide! Honest guv! Preach it loud, bruddah! Struth! Fry
mah 'ide! Blimey! Right on! Blimey! Dorgone yo'! Struth! Right on! Struth! Fry
mah 'ide! Oi! Preach it loud, right, bruddah! Right! Fry mah 'ide! Oi! Preach
it loud, bruddah! Honest guv! Fry mah 'ide! Honest guv! Right on! Right!"
----------------
Spacecat rubbed his eyes. The text was giving him a headache, but there
seemed to be some sort of important meaning to it. He kept reading on until
he came to a part that confirmed his notions of there being something
significant about this book...
-----------------
* Spacecat oroke. His moud wuz dry. Slap mah fro! Blimey! 'e scooted 'is
fin'ers drough 'is greasy, right, tangled fro. He wiped d' drool fum 'is cheek
an' took in 'is surroun'in's. He wuz in 'is room, dorgone it. Man! Blimey! D'
sunlight wuz pourin' fum d' edges uh d' blinds. His alarm clock wuz blarin'.
Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. He wonnered 'ow long it 'ad been
blarin'. Spacecat 'ave a looked at d' LED display. Slap mah fro! 8:41 is.
"Dang it t'heck! Right on! Blimey! Fry mah 'ide! Blimey! Right on! Oi! ah
ovahslepp agin. 'S coo', bro." 'e punched d' alarm clock, shettin' it off. In
'is sleepiness, he waddled on upside t'd' kitchen an' microwaved some nickfast
burrito. 'S coo', bro. Wile it wuz cookin', right, he turned on d' transista'.
Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Wendy an' Billy Massa' , d' Q101
mo'nin' team, right, wuz 'avin' t'oda' debate on upside weda' o' not Soud Park
be a not so bad show, right, so cut me some slack, Jack, right? Space changed
d' channel t'Rock 103.5, right, war Manhoun'dog wuz rantin' as usual, ah
reckon. 'S coo', bro. "ah TELL YA, IT'S A U.N. CONSPIRACY! Struth! Right on!
Fry mah 'ide! Right! Right on! Right! THE UNDERWEAR THEFTS, THE PERSECUTION OF
THE MOOGLES BY THE FBI. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? IT'S ALL FORETOLD
IN REVELATIONS. Oi Jollyman Turd, hoof it do sumpin dangerous..." Spacecat
turned off d' transista'. He wuz intrigued by d' situashun, but 'e wants'ed
t'hear some mo'e balanced viewpoint on d' situashun. 'S coo', bro. He turned
on CNN. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? "...An' some rappedsman fo' d' UPA
divishun uh d' FBah says det Seph be d' numba' one suspeck in d' def's uh d'
so's called 'un-nickable' unnerwears uh D' Dark Lo'd Eric, an' Chaos28, right,
bod prominent members uh d' Orda' of d' Sacred 'oun'dog. Wot it is, Mama!
Right! In unrelated noos, right, dar 'af recently been sevahal terro'ist
attacks by Moogle 'estremists in d' United States..." "An' so's it begins,"
said Spacecat, "Peraps dis 'yar gots'ta solve mah problem, right, dorgone it.
Man! Right!" 'e went hammer and tack t'his room an' jimmey'd 'is closet do'e.
Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? He waded drough d' ole clo'es, Startin'
Lineup (TM) Reckons, an' albums uh baseball cards until 'e foun' d' shiny
stone. He 'eld d' Magicite, right, closed 'is mince pies an' chanted d'
ancient spell, ah reckon. 'S coo', bro. He felt some drobbin' pain in 'is
abdomen, right, but 'e knowed det wuz t'be specked, cuss it all t' tarnashun.
Wen d' transfo'mashun wuz complete, he wuz no longa' Spacecat, but Poochie, d'
Rockin' Espuh' 'oun'dog. Wot it is, Mama! Struth! 'e bolted out d' do'e an'
flewinto d' sky, war 'e wrote some message, right, dig dis: SURRENDER DOROTHY
"Oops, wrong message." 'e erased it an' wrote some noo message, dig dis: SEPH,
ah CAN 'ELP YOU, BUT ah NEED A FAVOR -SPACECAT 'e lan'ed, right, transfo'med
hammer and tack into 'is own se'f, an' wepp. Jes 'ang loose, brud. He nevah
dunk det 'e'd turn aginst d' ideals uh Poochie, right, aginst d' Sacred
'oun'dog, but 'e pow'ful need t'git rid uh det dadburn chastity belt. Man!
Blimey!..
Seph, dig dis: "Okay Spacecat, right, ah agree t'he'p yo'."
"Yo' 'af made some wise choice, Seph. Lop some boogie. Wif me on ya' side, yo'
gots'ta be invincible! Honest guv! Right on! Blimey! ah gots an armah uh Lance
'enriksen clones at mah disposal, ah reckon. I'll get out me spoons. 'S coo',
bro. ah also wield d' powa' of Poochie, d' Rockin' Espuh' 'oun'dog! Oi! Right
on! Fry mah 'ide! Blimey! Right on! Right! But fust din's fust. Man! Struth!
ah gots 'eard det yo' 'af done d' impostible. Yo' 'af nicked d' unnerwears uh
DLE an' Chaos. (BTW, right, wut duz ya' 'ankerin' dem fo', d' 'earty amo'a?)
Now ah need yo' t'remove dis 'yar *$%*$#in' chastity belt fum me. ah wuz
cursed wif dis 'yar fiendish abominashun wen ah received an anonymous tip
about some place wif all d' 'entai ah c'd evah wants'. ah went dar an' some
suckan 'it me on upside d' 'aid, knockin' me out. Man! Blimey! Wen ah came to,
right, ah foun' det ah wuz warin' dis 'yar an' ah c'dn't git it off. Please,
right, release me fum dis..."
----------------
Spacecat realized that this was a chronicle of the Underwear Crisis, the
proverbial last straw on the camel's back in a chain of events that led to the
second Moogle War. But how did this 'Reis Weapon' fellow know all of this?
Had he been spying on Spacecat and the other parties involved? Why would Reis
Weapon be so interested? Spacecat looked more through that book and other
books. They were all chronicles of what had been happening in the war. This
scared Spacecat very much.
Spacecat went back to the librarian and said, "Okay, who is this Reis Weapon."
"That question could probably be answered by reading Reis's diary. But
to read that one, you need a library card."
"But I don't have a library card," said Spaceat.
"Good," said the librarian, "Here's the book." He handed Spacecat the
book.
Spacecat did not question the librarian's strange actions. He looked through
the book and a chill was brought up his spine by some of the entries...
--------------
...Curses! Kain was ressurected by none other than Aryle today. Just when I
thought the universe was going to be mine...
-------------
...Today has been a very Happy Halloween for me. I gave ol' Frank Black a
scare today with the ol' ghost-in-the-attic routine...
------------
...Their ain't nothing like it when the Dark Gods change sides again. It
produces such lovely, sweet chaos...
-------------
...Everything is going according to plan, including Schala's rape...
------------
That last entry especially disturbed Spacecat. He read on.
-----------------
...Not even the Cart Mart censor could stop the festivities at Matango. This
accursed 'Pat' is a force to be reconned with...
----------------
And then Spacecat read the last entry in the whole book:
----------------
Now, it will only be 9 hours until I reach the Strap On Dildo Weapon. Then,
if no meddling kids get in the way of my evil scheme, my prophesised
apocalypse will occur and I will have broken the UCB's record for most chaos
generated in one universe. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!
---------------
"Hey!" said the librarian, "I thought I told you to be quiet in the
library!"
"For one thing," said Spacecat, "I was being quiet. For another thing,
you never actually told me to be quiet."
"Oh, you're right," said the librarian, "Now it is time for you to
DIE!!!" He pulled a rope that was hanging from the floor. A trap door opened
beneath Spacecat. He fell at an alarming rate of speed. Then he looked down.
******
"AAAHHHHH!!!!!!" Spacecat woke up with a start.
"What's wrong??" said Chaos.
"I just had a nightmare."
"What was it about?" asked Seph.
"I don't know exactly," said Spacecat, "but I have a weird suspicion that
something bad has happened to Schala, and something that will affect all of us
is going to happen in 9 hours."
"What's going to happen?" said Chaos.
"I don't know," said Spacecat, "Maybe it was just a nightmare. I should just
go back to sleep. Sorry to spook you guys."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: [ffml] [MW] The Iconic Performativeness of Languative Imagery