Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 23:26:07 EDT Subject: [ffml] [MW] Now to make things a little more hectic... From: The smelly old man named Tostil climbed up the steep grassy hill. The rain beat down, and his supplies were almost gone. "I...can't... go... any... further..." he stopped, and fell to the ground. Looking up through the hard that was stuck to his eyes, he saw the top of the hill. It was right there! He had to do it. He dug his hands into the soft soil, and crawled, his normally white cloak getting dragged across the ground, becoming dirtier and dirtier. "Almost..." he moaned. He got to the top, and stood. He was triumphant! And then there was a small rumbling. *WHACK* A herd of chocobos trampled him!! They broke every bones in his body! He was dead... "Wait!" said a female voice from atop one of the chocos. "What is it?" asked a warrior named Drule, the leader. "Leave the bum alone! We must join the war in Nikeah!" But the man wasn't dead!! "He..lp...me..." he moaned. "I'll heal him!" said the lady. "Thank you." said Tostil. Healer: "Now, can you help us help Bacca?" Tostil: "Well, I am a master healer, demi-god, and all around good swordsman with a mission. I must stop a different army." Drule: "Okay, go then!" Healer: "Wait, my husband! Let's here his mission!" Tostil: "A very powerful evil army is trying to-" Drule: "That's good enough for me! I don't wanna help that ego-maniac Bacca anyway! In the name of the Holy Staple Remover of Briganda, go the way the old guy was going! And you..." he knocks some soldier off of his Chocobo. "Go to Nikeah. Tostrone, get on that choco." Tostil: "THAT'S TOSTIL, YOU WHIPPER SNAPPER!" Meanwhile in Nikeah... Bacca: "I'll take all of you on!! Everyone attack in numbers!!" Mystic Fighter: "Cast a comet to break them up!" Mystic Mage: "Yes, sir!" He casts a comet spell. "Damn! The first one missed!" Mystic Fighter: "Well do it again! and where'd the first one go?" Mystic Mage: "Um... there." he points to a map. Back to the old guy... Tostil: "What's that in the sky?" Drule: "It looks like... a comet?" *SPLAT!* Drule: "No! My wife! My beautiful healing wife! WHY, GOD, WHY?!?" God: "Leave me alone." Drule: "Damn! Why Mage, why?!?" Tostil: "Well, she's dead. Time to find a new love I guess." Drule: "Sigh... oh well. Your right old man!" They leave the smoldering rock behind, smoke and all. 1 hour later... Drule: "Tostil, this is our town, Chilawilawilliewack." Tostil: "Chilliwillyawackawillie?" Drule: "No... but good try. Chilawilawilliewack." Tostil: "Whatever. Lemme rest here and then we must go to the northern cave! There, an experiment is being done that I need help to stop!" Drule: "Tell me more!" Tostil: "It is an experiment that will ruin the world!!" Just then Tojo Mojo enters the town. Tojo: "Hello good warriors, I heard something about a world-destroying excitement?" Drule: "Yes! Tostil can explain." Tojo: "Who?" Tostil: "Me." Tostil explains to them. Tojo: "Count me in!" Drule: "Me too!" Tojo: "Well, I'm gonna go to the bar." Drule: "I'll go with you. It's on the second floor of the inn." Tostil: "And I'll go sleep a wink." So they go to the inn. Tostil gets a room under the bar. In the bar... Tojo: "So what kingdom are you from, Drool?" Drule: "That's Drule, and I'm from the kingdom of Briganda. We created the Staple Remover." Tojo: "I can see by the symbol on your armor. And your soldiers' armor." He refers to the soldiers flirting with all the bar chicks. Barkeep: "Hi, boys, can I get you a drink?" Drule: "Yes you may young lady, and may I say that your are beautiful!!" Barkeep: "Thanks! My name is Kileen." Drule: "I am Drule, captain of the No-Staple Knights!" Kileen: "Neato! I am Kileen!" Drule: "You just said that." Kileen: "Ah. So, what'll it be?" Drule: "Um... scotch on the rocks!" Tojo: "I'll have the same." Kileen: "Great!" She goes to the bar, pours the two drinks, and comes back without them. Kileen: "Hi, I'm Kileen, I'll be taking your orders tonight, now what would you two fine men like?" Tojo: "Um... we just ordered the two scotches." Kileen: ".........oh yeah! That's right!" She gives them the drinks. She walks away. Drule: "So, what do you do, Tojo Mojo?" Tojo: "I used to fight in Bacca's army, but I-" Drule: "BACCA?!?!? BACCA!!!! I hate him!!! He stole my first wife from me! And then she died!" Tojo: "I don't think he said anything about a wife before his little affair with the Lady Paladin." Drule: "Well, maybe it was Bacca's friend, but I've never forgiven Bacca since!" He picks up a bar stool, and smashes it over Tojo's head. Tojo: "Oh, so you want to do this the professional wrestling way, huh?" He picks up a stool and smashes it over Drule's head. And they continue to do professional wrestling for 10 minutes, until... Suddenly the floor gave way from all the stool ripping, and the bar, Drule, Tojo, and Kileen fell through, right into Tostil's bedroom! Tostil: "You woke me up, you young morons." Tojo: "Damn, good show there Drule!" Drule: "Yes you too. If you can smash chairs with me, you must be worthy of being on my team. So let's continue together!" Boss (from above): "Kileen! Not more of your boyfriends! THAT'S IT! You people are gonna die for doin' this to ma bar!! Kileen: "Run!!!" So they fled the town. All 4 of them. In the field... Drule: "Well, I guess we're all traveling together. Kileen: "Sorry for acting so dumb in there. I keep doing it to sucker money out of my boss." Tojo: "Well, what are your abilities?" Kileen: "None... I just... serve people." Tostil: "This is gonna be a loooong trip." Drule: "So what ARE we here for?" Tostil: "To stop the Choco-borgs!" Da da daaaaaa!!! To be continued... (Go ahead, Tojo) Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 00:46:56 -0000 From: "Tojo Mojo" Tojo: So where would one find this Chocoborg? And what are they? Kileen: I'd assume they're something like the Moogle Borg... DLE: Hey! Thats my Moogle Borg. You can't talk of them without all that legal stuff! Kileen: Okay. I'd assume they're something like the Moogle Borg-* DLE: Better... Tojo: Now get out of my story! Anyways, lets get down to business. We're going to fight these Choco Borg, so we'd best hunt them down. Drule: Lets go! They walk out of the gates to be suddenly confronted with... Choco Borgs! The scragglers had been hunting down some Moogle Borg-* to feed to their young and had somehow managed to end up by the town of Chilawilawilliewack. Kileen: Lets fight them! Tostil: Yeah... I'll beat them down with my... my... A Choco Borg smashes Tostil about 6 feet beneath the ground. Tojo: Oh no! Tonsil! Totsil: Thats Totsil, you whippersnapper Totsil, after his momentary resurrection, died again. Kileen: ahh! Kileen draws her... skillet? She begins to beat down Choco Borgs left and right. Tojo and Drule stare in awe. Drule begins to Drool. Tojo: Whoah. Kileen: Aha! That'll teach them. The Choco Borgs lay on the ground. Drule: Wow. _We_ sure killed a lot of Choco Borgs. I'm sure the Choco army sees us as a threat now. They won't be kind with us in the future. We will fight. We will survive. We will conquer. Tojo wipes a tear from his eye. Kileen: Look. We killed TWO WHOLE FRIGGIN' CHOCOS! And besides, I didn't see you doing anything over there! Who's this we? Drule: Umm... I was removing old staples.. Yeah! Thats it! Tojo: Speaking of old staples... What of poor, dead Notsil? Totsil: Thats TOTSIL! And I'm perfectly fine, no thanks to you twits! Now, can we get on with it? Drule: Huh? Thats twice now... Kileen: Yeah, that is sorta odd... Totsil: Well? Will we get on with it already! As the leave, the three notice Totsil muttering "younguns..." under his breath. Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 13:30:30 EDT Subject: [ffml] [MW] The Team Goes to some cave. From: Tostil: "My leg hurts." Tojo: "Maybe that's because it was drove six feet into the ground!" Tostil: "Shut up!" ::pulls out a walkman and listens to Enya:: Drule: "Well, at least we know he's a normal elderly man." Kileen: "Look! A cave!" Drule, Kileen, and Tojo go left, while Tostil, who had is eyes closed, keeps going straight. Drule: "Shouldn't someone get Toastil?" Tojo: "Oh my god! He's about to fall off that cliff!" Kileen: "Nooooooo!" And he falls, his walkman and all. Kileen: "Oh well. He gave his life to save us." Tojo: "No he didn't." Kileen: "You're right. Let's move on!" So they entered the cave. Inside... Voice: "Welcome to my humble abode." Drule: "Ah!!!!!!!! Monster!!!!!!!" Tojo: "Shut up, whiner!" Kileen: "Wimp." Voice: "I will kill you all!" Suddenly! They are surrounded by Choco Borgs!! The Choco's peck away with their metal beaks, and wear the heroes down. Tojo: "We have to keep fighting!" Drule: "Waaa! Get me a band-aid! He cut me!" Kileen: "My skillets are bent!" "WA-LA-WA-ZOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly, Tostil jumps down from above, casting lightning bolts on all the choco borgs, as they sizzle!! Kileen: "Tostil!" Drule: "Mommy?" Tojo: "Welcome back! Now, let's get that voice!" Voice: "You want me?" They turn around... to see a multi-colored chocobo with a really big head!!! Voice: "Come and get me!" Your turn, Tojo. Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 17:38:29 -0000 From: "Tojo Mojo" Tojo: Ohmygod! It's The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None! Drule: Eh? Tojo: Pakhisistan! Kileen: What _are_ you talking about? Tojo: The Dark Queen of Chocos! Totsil: Oh no! Drule: Well, I huess we'll have to kill him. Totsil takes his headphones off. Totsil: Kill who? Drule motions to the The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None. Totsil: Oh... The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All colors and of None: HER! I'm a HER! Drule: I'm sorry... Oh, wait. No, I'm not. The four attack The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None...And are quickly beaten down, mainly due to the fact they no longer have any weapons. Totsil jumped into the air to attack The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None. He was quickly disintegrates. His walkman clattered to the ground. As they lay on the ground, Drule speaks. Drule: I don't even have a staple remover... What should we do? Kileen: I have an idea! The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None loomed overhead. Kileen: Aha! Kileen grabs Totsil's walkman and leaped into the air. She caught the headphones around the head of the Choco, hit the play button, and let go, falling to the ground. The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None: Err? The Enya song ends as a Slim Whitman song begins to play. The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None: ARRGGGHHH! The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None begins to course with electricity. Jolts of energy are emitted from borg implants. Her head begins to quiver. The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None: NOOO!!! The head of the Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None exploded in a giant array of fireworks and made a pretty cool Rainbow effect within the cave. The body slumped to the ground. Drule: Hurrah! We've beaten him! The day is ours! We have triumphed over evil aga-OOF! Kileen backhands Drule. Tojo: Well, The Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None, Pakhisistan, The Dark Queen of Chocos is now dead. We must continue on our quest. Kileen: What of Toenail?? Totsil: TOTSIL!! TOTSIL TOTSIL TOTSIL TOTSIL!!!! Totsil regains his composure and his composition. Rising from a pile of ash, he pseaks. Totsil: We must get going, lollygagging around here will do us no good! Tojo Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 20:58:41 EDT Subject: [ffml] [MW] Spacecat leaves the army From: Spacecat felt very troubled. Since he heard what the Watcher said, he hadn't been the same. The Moogles were evil. Spacecat was sure of that. But was fighting against the Moogles truly the best course of action to take? Would it only serve to create chaos before the Moogles inevitably rule the world? "Bacca," Spacecat said to the High Lord of All that Kicks Ass, "I will be leaving your army." "Can't stand combat, eh?" said Bacca. "That's not it," said Spacecat, "I'm just not sure that fighting the Moogles is the right thing to do." "Have you been hit on the head, son? The Moogles are evil! E-V-I-L. They sodomize people to death for God's sake! What do you mean we shouldn't fight them?" "I've just been troubled by what that lizard man said. I need time to think about all this. I will allow you to keep using my Lance Henriksen army, but I will not fight for any side until I'm sure that fighting can actually help." "Okay," said Bacca, "so long." Spacecat walked in the direction of the Shrine of Poochie, where he intended to meditate. After a few hours of walking, he was approached by Newt Gingrich. "Hi, Spacecat!" said Newt. "Newt Gingrich? Speaker of the House? What are you doing here?" "Well," said Newt, "I'm trying to get back the respect of my fellow republicans by becoming a war hero. There's some sort of war going on in this world, right?" "Yeah..." "Yeah, so I plan to do something heroic here, and then go back to the House of Representatives and say, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm a war hero!' and they won't try to kick me out of my position as speaker anymore." "Oh. I see..." Suddenly, the two were attacked by a cybernetic chocobo! Thinking quickly and decisively, Spacecat whacked the chocobo over the head with the Speaker of the House. The chocobo was smashed to bits. "Alright, Newt!" said Spacecat, "You are the ultimate chocobo fighting weapon! Come with me! We'll smash all the Choco-Borgs in the world!" "I guess so," said Newt, "I suppose this is as close as I can get to doing something heroic." "The first thing we need to do is find someone else to join us on this quest of smashing choco-borgs." "Well," said Newt, "There is an old guy who keeps dying and coming alive, two young people, and the ruler of the Mohorovicic Discontinuity who seem to be on a similar quest." "Really?" said Spacecat, "How do you know?" "Couldn't you sense them with your Speaker-of-the-House Superpowers?" said Newt. "What?!" said Spacecat. "Oh, silly me," said Newt, "Sometimes I forget that not everyone is Speaker of the House." "Okay," said Spacecat, "Seeing as how you know where they are, you can lead me to them." "You got it!" said Newt. (Chaos/Tojo: please include me in your next posts, okay?) Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 23:11:39 -0000 Subject: [ffml] [MW] The team leaves some cave From: "Tojo Mojo" Tojo, Totsil, Drule, and Kileen left the cave where they had fought the Multi-Colored Chocobo of All Colors and of None. As they were leaving, they came across Spacecat and Newt. Newt: There they are! Spacecat: Really? Tojo: And who might you be? Newt: I'm Newt Gingrich, the almighty and powerful Speaker of the House! Spacecat: And I'm Spacecat. I'm an, umm, Spacecat... I'm here on a quest to stop the Chocoborg. Kileen: Cool. I'm Kileen. I'm a barmaid from Chilawilawilliewack. Some people call it Wack for short. Newt: Hmmm... Drule: And I'm Drule, leader of the No-Staple knights. We invented the staple remover. Spacecat: Wow... Newt: Do you have a patent on that? Drule: Patent? Newt: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to file a pass line-in veto on that there staple remover. Spacecat: You can do that? Newt: Of course, I'm the all-powerful Speaker of the House. Drule: Uh? Newt: And I'm gonna have to declare the Mohorovicic Discontinuity US territory. Tojo: NO! Hey, waitaminute. You're just the _Speaker_ of the House. You have no power, the guy with the microphone of the House does!!! Aha! You are powerless! Newt: Powerless? Could a powerless man do this? Newt uses the powers of the Speaker of the House and bores Totsil to death with an extremely long, pointless speech. Newt: Aha! Kileen: Oh, that's nothing... Newt: Whaddya mean? I killed him! Drule: But it happens all the time! Newt: ?? Totsil: You dirty man, you. I'm gonna get you back someday.... Totsil had, once again, risen from the dead. Space: Come on, let's get going. In the name of Poochie, I swear this is the craziest bunch of people I've ever seen... Tojo: But crazy people make for good posts. Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 16:48:16 EDT Subject: [ffml] [MW] Cutbacks From: Later: Drule: "Come on Kileen, let's go!!" Kileen: "Lemme finish carving my friggin name in this tree!" As she struggled with the last line of the "N" suddenly, the knife flew out of her hand! Spacecat: "HEAD'S UP!" Tostil: "What's that sonny? I can't hear you. I'm listening to Enya again." Tojo: "Bye Tostil." Tostil: "What?" *SCHMACK* The knife landed in his head!! Newt: "I wander if we can be claimed as a dependant and get his estate from his will. Does he have any kids?" Drule: "You greedy bastard!" Newt: "I resent that! My parents were so married when I was born!!" Kileen: "Let's go." So they walk for an hour. An hour later... Kileen: "Hey, an apple tree. I'm gonna get an apple from that apple tree." Drule: "Oh, for god's sake!!" Kileen: "Hey! My name's on this tree! Cool!" Tojo: "WHAT?!?!?" Newt: "You mean I just walked for an hour... in a great big circle?!?!?" Spacecat: "Dammit, Drule! You were leading us!" Drule: "No! There's no cave around here! She must've carved that in before." Voice: "Not quite!" Tojo: "What's that?!?" Voice: "I am the evil Animatoricon! And I am trying to gain a patent to make a weekly series out of this adventure!" Spacecat: "In the name of Poochie, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Drule: "Well that still doesn't explain the tree." Animatoricon: "We had cut-backs so I had to use the same forest from before!" Tojo: "There must be a way to stop him from plaguing the world with a Moogle War Television series!!!" Newt: "There is! The shrine of Poochie! We must get there!" Kileen: "Yes! Let's go!" Animatoricon: "Not so fast, I am the one who has been reviving Tostil. But he has made some friends in the after-life. The only way he'll come back is if you agree to let them travel with you." Drule: "Let him stay there then." Spacecat: "I don't even know him, and already he's annoying." Tojo: "Well, let's go then." Animatoricon: "Fine, fine, fine! They don't have to go... here's Tostil." A little hole opens in the ground. Flames fly out of it, then Tostil gets thrown out. Tostil: "GIMME BACK MY ENYA CD! AND MY DISCMAN!" The Enya CD and the Discman come jumping out. Tostil rubs his old scraggily beard. "Why'd I have to end up with you guys again. Damn. Oh well." Spacecat: "To the Shrine of Poochie! It should be just over there!" Robotic-voice: "You will never make it to the shrine of Poochie." Tojo: "We got company!" Kileen: "Ah!!! A pack of Choco-borgs!" Drule: "Newt, Spacecat! Draw your weapons, let's see what we can do!" Tojo: "But... they look oddly different." Many of the Chocoborgs have missing limbs, and not as much fancy-gizmo stuff. Animatoricon: "As I said, cutbacks. Well, I'm gonna go home for the day." Drule: "Looks like we're on our own!" (Go Spacecat!) Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 17:58:27 EDT From: Spacecat grabs Newt by the ankle and whacks each of the chocoborgs over the head with him. Drule: Nice whacking! DLE: Did somebody say something about whacking? Tojo: Not your kind of whacking. Hey, I thought you were supposed to be dead. DLE: Oh yeah, I forget ::goes back to being dead:: Ominous voice: Not so fast! Everyone: What?? Newt: Oh no! It's my arch-enemy! Spacecat: And who would that be?? Newt: It's... it's... Voice: Yes! It is I... Tyrania, Mistress of the Spatulas! A woman wearing a leather dominatrix outfit stepped out of the shadows. Everyone: *GASP*! Tyrania: You've all been very naughty, and now it is time for you to be beaten... with a SPATULA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Newt: Never! Spacecat: Hey now! Just a minute Newt, that might be sorta fun... Sky H. Ainsworth steps out of a rip in the fabric of the time/space continuum. Sky: You sick f*cker! Getting whipped by a dominatrix?! That is sick, buddy! I went to Mistress Tyrania a few times, and I was absolutely disgusted! She said I was good in bed, though. Sky steps back through the rip to wherever he came from. Spacecat: Um, okay. Whatever. Newt: Tyrania, I thought I defeated you and your army 4,957,302 years ago on the planet Ugly. Tyrania: Yes you did, Speaker of the House, but the when the civilization of Ugly got advanced enough, they cloned my DNA, and resurrected me. Now I am back for my revenge on you. ::She starts hitting Newt with her spatula:: Newt: Ow! Hey! Quit it! Spacecat: Hey you mean lady, leave poor Newt alone. He may say that his parents were married when he was born, but he was actually raised thinking that his mother was his sister. Tyrania: Really? ::She stops beating Newt:: I'm sorry... I didn't know... ::Looks ashamed:: Newt: Oh, it's alright, Tyrania. I don't really talk about it much, so it's okay. Tyrania: You poor thing. All these millennia I've been chasing you around the galaxy trying to spatula-whip you, and I didn't know about your bizarre childhood. How can I make it up to you? Newt: Well, you can join our quest to smash the chocoborgs. Tyrania: Sure. I could be a great help with my spatula skills! But is it alright with you all if I join your team? Everyone: Yeah! Spacecat: HELL yeah! Drule: Onto the shrine of Poochie! They go there. It is a place with white marble pillars and a statue of a cartoon dog with nunchucks. On the base of the statue there is an engraving: "I'm the third Fonzerelli!" -Poochie Spacecat: Okay, so what did you want to do here? Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 11:58:32 -1000 Subject: [ffml] Re: [MW] Cutbacks From: "Tojo Mojo" The following episode of Moogle War: The Animated series is rated --------------- | T V | | | | M M A | | MM MM A A | | M M M AAAAA | | M M A A | | | | A S D L V | | B C E F G H | | I J K L M N | |_____________| ---------- Tojo: God, we're running out of time! They've already started to rate it (although they're not quite all the way through the alphabet yet) Space: Oh, God... Newt: Okay. We have a vote. Drule: But they take so long... I say we find this Poochie fellow and see if we can stop the Moogle War from becoming an animated series! Spacecat: Poochie? Poochie are you there? In a giant shaft of light, Poochie slowly floats down from above. Very slowly. Poochie: Umm, I'll be down in a sec... very, very slowly... Poochie: Oh, what the hell... Poochie cuts the string slowly lowering him down. He fwaps onto the ground. Tojo: Let me guess... More cutbacks... Drule: They used a string and its a cartoon for god sakes... Poochie: Huh? Cartoon? Newt: We were told you could stop the evil producers from turning this war into a cartoon... Poochie: Well, I have no idea... Kileen: Huh? NO! Tyrania: Whatever will we do now? Deep, resonating, echoing voice: Mwahaha... You can't stop me now! Spacecat: Who are you? Deep voice: I'm the producer... I am all powerful. Watch me yield my eraser!! A rubbing sound is heard... Totsil: Wha? Totsil, Discman and all, disappears. Drule: Humm.... Tojo: Anyways, Mr. Deep, resonating, echoing voice... What exactly is the show gonna be? Deep, resonating, echoing voice: Well, Mr. Mojo, It will be a daily cartoon on Cartoon Network! Poochie: Think of all the children! Their minds will be fried! They will fall to the ways of homosexuality! They will attack their brethren! They will not know the difference between right and wrong! They'll buy N64s! Drule: What show would it replace? Deep, resonating, echoing voice: It would replace.... Sailor Moon!!!! Mwahahahaha!!! Tojo: Oh, well in that case, who cares! Deep, resonating, echoing voice: What? Spacecat: It's Sailor Moon. It's way cornier than the Moogle War... I'm sure parents have already banned their kids from the time slot. Deep, resonating, echoing voice: NO! NO, YOU DIRTY SCUM!!! TAKE THIS! Suddenly, 25 Chocoborg appear. Totsil appears on the back of one of them. Tojo: Attack!! Tojo draws his sword, Drule draws his staple remover, Newt draws up his speech outlines, Killen draws her skillet, Tyrania draws her Spatula, and Poochie draws his nun-chuckers. (I'm sure space drew something too, but I don't know what). OOC: I think it's Chaos's turn... Date: Sun, 19 Jul 1998 23:28:46 EDT Subject: [ffml] Re: [MW] Cutbacks From: The following episode of Moogle War: The Animated series is rated --------------- | T V | | | | M M A | | MM MM A A | | M M M AAAAA | | M M A A | | | | A S D L V | | B C E F G H | | I J K L M N | | O P Q R S | |_____________| Drule: Oh god no! Spacecat: "What?" Drule: "THEY ADDED MORE LETTERS TO THE RATING!!!" Tojo: "NOOOO! That only leaves T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, and a little warning thing! We must stop them before they add it!" Chocoborg A: "We mean no har-" *WHACK* Kileen: "DIE!" Drule: "He was trying to say something!" Chocoborg A: "I love you..." Chocoborg B: "Shut up!" *WHACK* ::steps on Chocoborgs A's neck:: Chocoborg C: "He was defective." Poochie: "YOU MESS WITH POOCHIE?!? DIE!!!!!!!!" Poochie jumps on Chocoborg D's neck, and begins to strangle him with his puppet strings!! Chocoborg D: "Ergh...you..r....cho...king...me!" Poochie: "That's the point, wanker!" *POP* Chocoborg D's head pops up, gushing blood. Producer: "Poochie wins! Fatality! Flawless Victory!" *WHACK* Drule: "What happened to the producer?" Totsil's voice: "I'm up here! I'll be back to join you next time, but for now I clubbed the animator and producer! Mwahahahahaha! And now... it's.... eraser time!!" Suddenly 15 Chocoborgs disappear. Drule: "That leaves 7!" He runs up to one and removes the nails from it's mech stuff with his staple remover. Chocoborg E: "CRIZZLE CRIZZLE" *BOOM* Tyrania: "I am Tyrania feel my spatulent wrath!!!" Chocoborg F: "AGH!!!!!!!!!!" *WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK* "Please, no more! I don't wanna be a pancake!" Tyrania: "Too late." *WWWWWHHHHHAAAAACCCCCKKKKK" Chocoborg F is flattened. Tojo: "YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" *SLICE* Chocoborg G's head falls off. Space: "Hiro-sukanime-hentais-ATTACK!" Suddenly a massive stack of hentai flattens Chocoborg H. DLE: "Hey! That's where it all went!" Runs up and takes the stack. Tojo: "Go dead!" ::slices his head off:: Newt: "And so, my proposition to you-" Chocoborg I: "NO MORE, TUBBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" He rolls over and dies. Chocoborg J: "I must warn the leader, we were defeated easily! By people!" Tostil: "No no no." Chocoborg J disappears. Victory! Everyone does a little dance. Everyone gained a level! Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:15:30 -1000 Subject: [ffml] [MW] New season From: The following episode of Moogle War: The Animated series is rated --------------- | T V | | | | M M A | | MM MM A A | | M M M AAAAA | | M M A A | | | | A S D L V | | B C E F G H | | I J K L M N | | O P Q R S T | |U V W X Y Z | |_____________| Previously, on last year's season finale of Moogle War II... Spacecat (to Totsil): So, you're the one who's been stalking my wife! [cuts to another scene] Tojo (to Scully): Scully, I think we're on to something big here... [cuts to yet another scene] Cigarette Smoking Man (to Tyrania): Some truths most be covered up, and some lives must be lost. Newt: Nooooo!! [Title sequence with haunting, yet catchy theme music] Moogle War II, Starring: Aaron Ackerson as Spacecat Alan Somethingorother as Tojo-Mojo And special guest star Newt Gingrich as himself Created by Seph LaRoche and Chris Carter Moogle War II is brought to you by Sprite, who reminds you, "Don't listen to advertisements, drink Sprite!", and by Toyota, turning good pop songs from the '60s into annoying jingles. [commercial break] Spokesman: Hi! I'm Pimpster, and when I get a hankering for something yummy and delicious, I go to Pimp Burger, where the food is always fresh. But if my ho gets fresh, then the bitch gets slapped! Jingle singers: Everyone knows that when bitches and hoes get hungry, they go to Pimp Burgeeeeeer! [MWII comes back on] Tojo: What in the hell was all that crap? Spacecat: I don't know. It's all so bizarre... Tojo: Somethingorother?! That's not my last name! Spacecat: I know. I thought it might be Farnsworth, but I wasn't sure. Is it Farnsworth? Tojo: How am I supposed to give you an answer? You're the one writing this. Spacecat: Oh yeah. So anyway, who do we have with us, again? Tojo: Lemme see, there's those two young people, Totsil, the old guy who keeps dying, speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, and Mistress Tyrania, the dominatrix, and the spirit of Poochie the Rockin' Esper Dog. Is that all? Mysterious voice: That not all! Spacecat: Oh great, not another mysterious voice. Voice: That's right! It's me, Al Gore! Newt: Oh no! My arch-enemy Tyrania: Hey! I thought I was your arch-enemy. Newt: Oops. Um, what I meant to say was that now that we are on the same side, you are no longer my arch-enemy, and therefore Al Gore is now, because he was second worst enemy before. Al: But Newt, you always said I was your arch-enemy! Newt: D'oh! Anyway, what are you doing here, Al? Al: I'm here to explain the abbreviations in the rating for this show. Let's start with A. A means that this show contains the word 'acerbic'. Totsil: It does? Al: Of course it does. I just said it. Anyway, B means that this show does not have Barney in it, and therefore is suitable for small children. Tyrania: What are you talking about? Kids love Barney. He's fun and educational. Al: Really? I didn't know that. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea for me to appoint the regulars of alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die to help me with my ratings system. Moving on, C stands for cream pies, as in falling cream pies. Spacecat: Falling cream pies?? Al: Look up. Spacecat looks up just in time for a falling cream pie to hit him in the face. Al: And D stands for Paul Adrien Maurice Dirac (1902-1984), a British theoretical physicist, who became noted for his mathematical equation describing the behavior of the electron. Driac also demonstrated the fundamental unity of two forms of quantum mechanics, wave mechanics and... Al is interrupted by yet another mysterious voice. Voice: Enough with this crud! It's time for you all to die. Spacecat: Oh my God, it's... Voice: Yes, it's me, Heather Locklear. Spacecat: And why do you want to kill us? Heather: Because I appear in this episode, and I didn't even get mentioned in the opening credits. Spacecat: But that's not our faults! We don't even want this to be an animated series. Heather: Hmm. You've got a point. But I hired a team of Ninjas to kill you, and I don't want them to go to waste. Heather claps her hands and six Ninjas appeared behind her with a poof of smoke. Heather: Get 'em, boys!!! Spacecat: Tyrania, your dominatrix skills would come in handy right about now. Tyrania: How could my talents as a dominatrix stop those Ninjas? Spacecat: Who said anything about the Ninjas? I'm just in the mood for a little S&M is all. Tyrania: Ooh, that sounds like fun! Tyrania ties up Spacecat. As she whips him with her spatula and tells him what a naughty boy he is, Tojo and the rest huddle to decide what to do. Tojo: Okay, do we have any chance against those Ninjas? Poochie: Yes, we do. ::He turns to Totsil:: Totsil, you are the Chosen One. Before, I thought it was Spacecat, but now I am sure it is you, wise one. I will now give you my powers. Poochie puts his paw on top of Totsil's head. Totsil feels a surge of power. He suddenly develops large muscles and lightening reflexes. Poochie: And now, Chosen One, kick some Ninja butt! Poochie pats Totsil on the shoulder, causing Totsil's head to fall off, and blood to spurt from his neck. Poochie: Hmm, perhaps I was wrong about him. Spacecat (Who is still getting whipped): What?! You mean (ow!) that you can (ow!) give people your power? Poochie: Yeah, but I can only do it once. Spacecat: Oh (ow!) crap! Al Gore: Will our heros be able to defeat Heather Locklear and her Ninjas? Will those two young people whose names Aaron forgot get any lines? Will Goku ever reach the planet Namek? What am I doing here, anyway? Find the answers to all of those questions and more on the next exciting episode of Moogle War II: The Animated Series! Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 13:23:34 EDT Subject: [ffml] Re: [MW] New season From: The following episode of Moogle War: The Animated series is rated --------------- | T V | | | | M M A | | MM MM A A | | M M M AAAAA | | M M A A | | | | A S D L V | | B C E F G H | | I J K L M N | | O P Q R S T | | U V W X Y Z | |_____________| Tojo: "We're outnumbered!!" Spacecat: "I (ow!) would help you but I (ow!) can't!" Heather: "Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Now Melrose Place will have no competition and I will be free to rule this show too!" "Never!" Drule jumps in and starts killing some ninjas. Heather: "Noooo!!! Ninja's, take them all down!" More Ninja's come and everyone engages a ninja. Heather: "No! I have 1 too few ninjas! Time to transform!" Heather reaches behind her back and pulls out a metal object. She thrusts it in front of her and yells "Ninja-Chick!" She magically transforms into a ninja! Red Ranger: "Hey! Stupid ho! Gimme my damn morpher back!" Heath beats him up. Heather: "Hahahaha!" Tyrania: "Oh no! She took out the Red Ranger! She might be able to take out a rock now!" Heather: "Hey!" Beats all the other Rangers up as they come to save Red Ranger. Tyrania: "That's it! Only 52% of the human race has the ability to stop your power!" Spacecat: "Whoa! Cat-fight!!" Tojo: "Whoo-hoo!" Drule: "Let's finish our ninjas off first." Drule throws his staple remover at him! Hit him square in the eye! The ninja goes off running. Spacecat and Tojo chop their opponents' heads off! Poochie: "I'm Poochie!!" begins to beat on his ninja with his nunchucks. Tojo: "Go for the jugular!!" Poochie begins to gnaw on the ninja's neck. Newt Gingrich is stomping on the Ninja's head when they look over. Kileen is charming one. Then she breaks it's neck. Kileen: "Easier then we thought." Space: "FIGHT TIME!" Tyrania and Heath Locklear begin to slap, bite, and scratch each other. The battle goes on for a good 10 minutes, until Tyrania does a supplex to Heather. Heath: "You win!" She runs away. Tojo: "Aw... it's over. OH well. What next?" OOC: Your turn Tojo! Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 12:16:05 -1000 Subject: [ffml] Re: [MW] New season From: Tojo Mojo The following episode of Moogle War: The Animated series is rated ------------- | T V | | M M A | | MM MM A A | | M M M AAAAA | | M M A A | | | | A S D L V | | B C E F G H | | I J K L M N | | O P Q R S T | | U V W X Y Z | |_____________| [Title sequence with haunting, yet catchy theme music] Moogle War II, Starring: Alan Farnsworth as Tojo-Mojo Aaron Ack!ersomething as Spacecat And special guest star Newt Gingrich as himself Created by Seph LaRoche and Chris Carter "The Mog is out there..." Moogle War II is brought to you by Sony, who encourages you to look for the upcoming Spice World on Playstation. Also brought to you by GameFan, who advises you to preorder Hanson64 now! [commercial break] "Remember to watch Fox news at 10 to see these breaking stories: Moogle War II acclaimed as worst show on television! World Ends Tomorrow according to Pizza! Good game comes out for N64. Fox News sponsored in part by National Enquirer." [MWII comes back on] Tojo: Well, umm... What should we do now, Scully? Space: Scully!? HEY! I'm Gonna be Mulder! You're Scully! Tojo: Nonono, you can be Mulder, I'll be the Alien Mulder Clone. Space: Hey! I wanna be a clone too! Tojo: Fine, we're both clones. Now, we have to go on a quest to find the truth behind this animated series. And why it's an X-Files rip-off. Kileen: Huh? Whatever happened to the Chocoborg? Totsil: Yeah! What about our quest to stop them? Tojo: Huh? What's a Chocoborg?? Tyrania: How did this whole thing get started anyway? Tojo: Well, a while ago I mentioned MW being better than South Park, and one thing led to another and... Newt G.: Well, we must uncover the truth. Poochie: Yeah, we should go find that Cigar smoking guy. Cigarette Smoking Man: That's Cigarette, you slimy nit. The Cigarette Smoking Man (CSM) shoots at Poochie. Using his Poochie Powers, he dives out of the way. Tyrania: Ugh! The shot pierces Tyrania's skull, killing her. Totsil: NOO! DAMN YOU! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE! SHE'S TOO YOUNG! CSM: Oh, alright then. CSM shoots Totsil too. Totsil: Ug! The shot pierces Totsil's skull, killing him too. Newt: Well, that's one down! Drule: What? Tojo: Oh, no! A government conspiracy! And Newt's in on it! Space: He is? Drule: Who? Kileen: You a little confused Drule? Drule: Yeah, some IDIOT, whose name begins with a S and ends with an E and has an PACE in the middle forgot me in his STORY! Space: SEPACE? Who is Sepace? Kileen: Ugh. Kileen whaps Space in the back of the head with a frying pan. Space: Ow... Tojo: Anyways, the task at hand... Newt! The traitor! Announcer: Is Newt part of a conspiracy? How long will CSM be ignored? Will Space remember all the characters next time? I dunno... Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 18:53:47 -1000 Subject: [ffml] Re: [MW] UNCENSORED!! UNCUT!!! Not for the weak at heart! From: You've seen the show. NOW see what the censors would NEVER allow to be shown! MOOGLE WAR II: TOO HOT FOR TV!!! Cigarette Smoking Man: Newt, have you been drinking tonight? Newt: Hey you &$%(*ing piece of *^&$%-sucking *&^, look at THESE!!! ::He rips open his shirt and a blur appears in front of his chest:: KKK member: Oh yeah? ::pulls out a chain saw and decapitates Newt:: Jerry Springer: Now, now, now. I don't want any fighting on this show, wink, wink nudge, nudge. Spacecat: Hey everybody! Let's get NAKED!! Everyone, including Al Gore strips in front of the cameras. Kileen (or whatever her name is) dances naked in front of Spacecat. Kileen: _Now_ will you remember to put me in your next chapter? Spacecat (drooling): Ohh, will I! Kileen: And you'll stop writing about that nasty Tyrania, won't you. Spacecat: Tyrania who? ;) Tyrania (who is also naked): I heard that! You f*cking pig! ::she kicks Spacecat in the nuts:: Kileen: You trailer-trash HO!! ::smashes a chair over Tyrania's head:: Everyone else (chanting): CAT-FIGHT! CAT-FIGHT! CAT-FIGHT! Tyrania: You stuck up *$^%ing bitch!! ::gouges out Kileen's eyes with her long fingernails:: Tojo (to Drule): I'M A CRACK ADDICT BECAUSE YOU MOLESTED ME!!!! Drule: What??! Tojo: I dunno. That's what the producer told me to say. Spacecat (in a falsetto voice): Can't we all just get along? Al Gore: No. ::he pulls out a sawed-off shot gun:: Tojo: It's a good thing I came prepared. ::pulls out a semi-automatic assault rifle:: Everyone else also pulls out various and sundry weapons. Spacecat: So, it's come to this, eh? ::he pulls out his vintage 1920's tommy gun:: WELL I'LL EXECUTE EVERY LAST MOTHER-F*CKIN' ONE O' YA!!! Everyone fires their weapons, resulting in a massive blood bath. Spacecat: Man, we certainly are lousy shots. Tojo: Yeah, we all somehow managed to only hit Totsil. Spacecat: Oh well. Ya wanna go and get some fries from Pimp Burger? Tojo: Sure. I'm hungry. Jerry Springer: Will our heros order medium or large fries? What exactly is the 'secret sauce' on Pimp Burgers? Where did all those naked people pull out their guns from? Will this side story continue to degenerate further into nonsense? I don't know, and frankly I don't care. Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 13:50:25 -1000 From: "Tojo Mojo" Tojo, Space, Totsil, Drule, Kileen, Tyrania, Newt, Al Gore, and Jerry Springer headed over to pimp burger. Pimpster: Welcome to Pimp burger home of the Pimp Burger May I take your %$#%ing order dammit? Tojo: Umm, yes. Hold on a sec though. Tojo, Space, Totsil, Drule, Kileen, Tyrania, Newt, Al Gore, and Jerry Springer conferred among themselves for about a half hour deciding what to order. Space: We'll have 9 Pimp Burgers. Pimpster: Are you %$#@ed up in the head no one eats pimp burgers they're disgusting and stuff you might best not eat any because they are really $%#@in bad. Newt: Ugh... Run-ons... Tojo: Well, what else do you have? Pimpster: Ummm We have this Reis-a-roni stuff i hear it's a great treat in San Antonio. Newt: Wasn't it San Francisco? Space: Well, we'll stick with our Pimp Burgers. Al Gore: Do you have any Potatoe chips? Pimpster: No are you really %$#@in dumb? Pimpster makes up some Pimp Burgers. Jerry Springer: Well, Iwve gowt ta get back to ma show... You wanna come back on? Drule: Sure! Jerry Springer: The topic now is ""Bisexual Fromage a trois with my girlfriend's dad and my own father while simultaneously changing sex and the hurt it causes." Kileen: Sounds interesting. Drule: Yeah. --------- Back on the stage Space: And so that's why me, my girlfriend's father, Drule, and my father, Totsil, got into the weekly Fromage a Trois. Tyrania: I can't believe youu did that! Jerry: And now let me show you Space's disguise. Space walks off stage and comes back on as... Kileen! Tyrania: ARGGHH! Tyrania attacks Kileen/Space. Tyrania: You dirty whore! Tojo: No, you ^%$# #^#$!! Tojo attacks Drule for some reason. Newt: You ugly cum-guzzling piece of white %$#@in %#@$!! You were the one having oral sex with the president, it wasn't Monica! Bill Wasn't lying! Newt attacks Al Gore! Totsil: Yungun's these days! Well, I better break it up! Totsil jumps into the pile-up, and soon finds himself about 2 feet deep into Jerry Springer's stage. Jerry Springer: Well, we'll cut to commercials now. Stay tuned for my final thoughts on "Bisexual Fromage a trois with my girlfriend's dad and my own father while simultaneously changing sex and the hurt it causes." Tojo