Subj: [ffml] [HD] Yikes
Date: 01-01-23 23:44:24 EST
From: darklord@compusmart.ab.ca (His Dark Lordship)
Reply-to: ffml@egroups.com
To: ffml@egroups.com (ffml), hilliondynasty@egroups.com (Hillion Dynasty)
The universe is a very strange place. Oftentimes fatal to the ordinary man.
But I am not an ordinary man.
My name is Brian Pizzuti, though my friends and enemies call me the Northern
Paladin. Well, if I had any friends or enemies they would call me that. As
it is, I've been somewhat out of the loop for a long time.
You see, I was born a beautiful baby boy over 1800 years ago. However, my
mom lost me at the star trek convention when it came through town. I was
raised by a group of ensigns serving on the U.S.S Excelsior. As I grew up
watching star trek and learning about computers, I dreamed of being a great
and legendary as say, James T Kirk or Jean-Luc Picard.
It was on my eighteenth birthday that the Excelsior was attacked by the
Borg. Most of the ship was assimulated, however, I defeated the borg by
installing my incredible irc scripts, Jigsaw, which somehow caused the borg
to all kill themselves. However, there were few people left on the ship at
this point, so I appointed my old friend Freeman as my General and declared
myself The Northern Paladin, Master of Technology. A few people said I
should have called myself "Assmaster of Technology" but I spaced them.
This settled, we set a course back for earth, a place we had not been to in
many years, and were all looking forward to seeing. However, when we
arrived the evil Mog and the evil Seph LaRoche were underwear snatching and
soonthereafter Mog was trying to kill everyone. Trying my best to help, I
put the Borg technology of my new R&D to work, and attempted to defeat Mog.
However, this failed miserably as soon people began to ignore me. I felt
sad.
Later on, however, my ship became the vessel for various people, including
one known as Spacecat. He was a psychopath and kept trying to get laid with
many of the ladies on the ship. I almost had him space for running a
pornographic holodeck program, since I have a NO PORN policy on my ship.
With my comrades, one known as Chaos, we managed to defeat the evil Dark
Moogle and recover the great materia. Unfortunately for everyone else, the
ship's chef cooked them into my victory meal and I consumed them. The
result of this was immortality for myself, as well as severe indigestion
and diereha. At the same time, some of the plumbing failed and a pipe valve
burst right above Spacecat's bed. Both Spacecat and one of my ensigns were
in the bed at the time. While she got out of the way Spacecat met his end
covered in my rancid feces. Right before he died, apparantly, Spacecat
muttered some prophecy, but I really didn't care about that.
But I can still hear his screams.
After that, I returned the rest of our heroic band to earth, where I learned
that my old friend, the Lady Paladin, and her now husband, Bacca, had
apparantly opened an account at the Kholingen Bank and placed it as a
bounty for my head. I guess I should've payed them back from when I
borrowed from the war fund to pay for some repairs to the Excelsior.
Anyway, to avoid being attacked by bounty hunters, I decided to park the
Excelsior on the dark side of the moon and sit back and watch the Star Trek
channel. Star Trek, every day of the year. Oh yes.
Six hundred years passed. Finally, I saw the evil Mog appear on board of the
enterprise, the legendary vessel that all sought to serve on. I decided it
was my mission to save the enterprise, so I set off to do so.
Unfortunately, I never got there. A man in a tin suit caught me
beforehand.
Apparantly the account set up by Bacca and the LadyPaladin had fallen into
the possession of Jabba the Hutt when he bought the Kholingen Bank. Seeing
as I unfortunately owed that bank a considerable amount on a loan many
moons ago, Jabba was more than interested in paying for the very high
bounty. I was placed in Carbonite and as I understand it I was there for
twelve hundred years before a large Wookie let me free. I hate Star Wars.
Now, as I fled the Hutt's evil domain on the planet of Tattoonie, I boarded
a ship that was sending illegal immigrants to earth because earth didn't
know anything, and returned to my home, in a galaxy far, far away. Dammit,
there's the Star Wars again.
Anyway, they dumped me off near Nikeah. For some reason, I was tempted to go
into the underwear snatching diner.
How odd how things all seem to run in circles. Now I see Kefka sitting
there, listening to a kid yack at him. Now I see a Moogle charge in,
yelling at the kid. Now I see another weird thing that looks like a Moogle
and a Human in one charge in. Now I-
"Hey, you fat nerdboy!" yells the bartender. "SHUT UP!"
"FUCK YOU!" I yell. "I AM THE MASTER OF TECHNOLOGY AND I KNOW MARTIAL
ARTS!"
"Get the hell out of my diner!"
"FUCK YOU!"
The bartender is considerably stronger than I thought. He lifts me up into
the air and tosses me-UMPH- into Kefka.
"You fat tub of lard."
"FUCK YOU! I AM THE NORTHERN PALADIN, MASTER OF TECHNOLOGY AND I KNOW
MARTIAL ARTS!"
"Give me my money you fucking kid!" yells the Moogle.
"Eeeeeee!" yipes the child.
"What the hell did I get myself into now..." grumbles the half human, half
moogle.
The bartender -ooof- kicks me again.
"SHUT UP!"
--
The eternal lord of darkness...
"And if our dreams sometimes come true, then what of our nightmares?"
-The undisputed Master of Final Fantasy 2
-GM of FF2c
-Lord of the FFML
ICQ UIN# 23424269
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Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 21:37:52 -0700
Reply-To: ffml@egroups.com
Subject: [ffml] [HD] Yikes
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