Part Five: What About Kaitlin?
Part Five: What About Kaitlin?

Kaitlin sits in her cell, with no windows, and a mutated plant. And perhaps no hope...?

The Lord of Darkness stands tall on the hill.

"Boredom makes one do suicidal things..."

He looks around. No defense in sight.

"Ah well, here goes nothing."

The walls turn into dragoon beenie babies. Kaitlin rubs her eyes at the sudden sunlight.

"Wow... the sun."

DarkLord: Whoo-hoo! I still have it in me! I AM GOD!!!!

Kaitlin: Huh? Oh hi Eric.

DarkLord: Hey, let's get out of here.

Kaitlin: To where?

DarkLord: I don't know. Somewhere where the moogles won't get you.

Kaitlin: What? Moogles? AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, somehow we get back to DL's dark fortress where she is kept from Mog's clutches.

The Dark Lord, who is providing sanctuary for the Druidess Kaitlin, wakes up one morning and looks out the window for the morning caws of the raven, only to see a grande stage of moogles, prepared for siege. Mog stands from the top of a magitek robot of magnificent stature.

"Hello olde friend! We have come for your Druidess. We feel you do not have the right to have her to yourself."

"I'm taking the couch you idiot!!" yells the Dark Lord.

"Who cares? You have 12 hours to hand her over, after which we will begin firing our magitek cannons and mutated Moogleboars over there will eat their way in."<points to a group of large, ugly, tusked, clawed, muddy, horned moogleborgs.< "Amazing what a sack of materia can do, huh?"

And so the war continues....

DL looks at the moogle in dismay "Very well."<grins, showing a perfect set of yellow, razor sharp teeth.>

The Dark Lord walks back to his armory and puts on his favorite suit of Dragon mail, followed by his elven leggings(leather as tough as iron), then an adamant breast plate, finishing with his claw revealing gauntlets and hisnfamous black cloak. At last, he puts his daemonic helmet around his raptorian head, horns and all. Pulling out his two choice weapons, a Scimitar of Darkness and his trusty battle axe, both engraved deeply with nordic runes. His breechcloth shining in the fiery forge, and a ruby pendant around his neck.

With his ancient powers, the clouds quickly pull over. Before long, lightning licks the sky and Thor's drums beat in the distance.

Kyle: Whoa, this is cool.

Kenny: Mmm mint sm of mat Meefa!

Stan: Yeah, look at the size of those tits!

And so the people wait.

Mog: It's been twelve hours. Begin the siege.

Magitek fire blasts against the walls, which stand ever so slowly. The Moogleboars roar and attempt to dig into it. Mog himself stands there, with his queens Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, Cloud and Cid at his side.

But then, the lightning reveals the cloaked abomination upon the walls. The primal roar of a million centuries fills the ears of all.

With one flash of lightning he stands forth on the roof, his cloak dripping with rain. The next, he stands on the drawbridge, blade and axe drawn, a long, sharp tail sticking out from under his cloak. The weapons spin upon his fingers...

"FIRE!!" yells Mog.

A blaze of fire blasts into the cloaked Lizar, and strikes the wall behind him, which spreads the fire in all directions.

And there he still stands, scalded but not flinching.

He raises his hand, and the Moogle that fired the cannon bursts into flames, and lets out a hell bound screech.

Mog: Dammit!

Cid: Let loose on everything! He can only stand up to so much! Charge!

And so the moogles charge forth, jumping forth over their slain, vs the dark lord, slicing them down, and ripping their teeth from his shoulders, a classic last stand for one being....

NPaladin: Hmmm...god thing I saved some of those Genetically Engineered Barneys....

::In a flash of blinding light, The Northern Paladin and his army of Barney-Borg appear behind the evil Moogles::

"The Druidess of Allanon shall NOT be taken by unworthies like yourselves! Besides, she's an evil clone, and is supposed to be in jail!"

The Barney-Borg march forth, demoralizing the moogle army with their inane singing, as they assimilate them into their "I Love You, You Love Me" collective. The Paladin then calls forth his army of mutated Slivers; creatures that draw strength from one another and become stronger as their fellows do. Weathering The Dark Lords attacks, as one learns to defeat his assaults, so do the rest. They pour over DLE and re-appropriate the Evil Kaitlin Clone. "You will return with me to my lab, where we will attempt to re-unite you with your other self..." They disappear in another flash, leaving an army of moogles singing the Barney Song....

Sadly though, NPaladin didn't realize he was screwing up a friend of the Lizar of narthron, and their fantastic witchcraft.

N'gra, the grand shaman of Narthron, spreads the bones and the powdered horn of the Gyre upon the fallen body of a Tigrath. The earth shakes and NPaladin finds himself compelled to undo that which he has done, and returns the Druidess, and unassimulates the already assimilated moogles... then falls asleep on a mountain top far away.

Thus is the price of invincibility posts....

The mighty paladin wakes up, feeling very well rested. He then realizes what happened, and calls upon all of his power of light and technology (Translation: he called the boyz in R&D)::

"Research and Development."

"Yeah, this is your boss. Listen, you got a counteract for undo spells? I really hate it when people hit me with those!"

"Hmmm.....lemee see....OK, we'll Fed-Ex it out to you...where are youanyway?"

"At about 10,000 feet. Just send it to the usual place. And send some more Barney Borg, as well..."

"No sweat boss!"

"One other thing..."

"Yeah, boss?"

"Call up general Freeman, and tell him to find all of the Tigraths and lock 'em up. Dead or alive. And send Brentwood and company after a guy called N'gra"

"Could you spell that?"

"I doubt it; try it with an 'a'..."

"Gotcha, boss!"

::Later, at the usual place, the Northern Paladin observes his new battalion of Barney Borg approaching, and is pleased. Luckily, he realized that the undoing included putting The Dark Lord in his original condition, that is to say, being set upon by a large Moogle

army. He then opens the package containing the item he asked for...and smiles slowly."

"Heh heh! If this doesn't do it, I'm dreaming!"

::The Paladin then proceeds to re-do the assault on the evil Moogle Forces..when the ground suddenly shakes again::

"Hmmm...guess I didn't give Freeman enough time...good thing I learn from my mistakes! And they didn't, since it has all been undone for them!"

:: The Paladin brandishes the contents of the package, and proceeds to hit the Edit menu and click "Undo"::

"Two negatives equals a positive! I love math!!!"

::He then clicks on the icon labeled 'Jigsaw Nuke-Bounceback System(Copyright 1998 Paladin Enterprises, Inc.) and sends a wave of PortFuck, ICMP, and MachineFucker nukes backtracking along the path of the original undo power::

"That should keep the lizard busy for a bit!"

::He then re-takes the evil clone, and disappears into his other dimension, and shuts down all incoming energies, as well as physical forms, effectively sealing the dimension from the inside::

"Hmmm....oops, how am I supposed to breathe?"

::He then drills air holes into the dimension, and casts Reflect on them, hoping it will hold long enough to begin the genetic reclamation process...::

(How am I supposed to breathe?)

Anyway, the clone casts Exit and returns to the castle, N'gra in turn foresaw NPaladin and blocked his bomb with his ancient magic, and Freeman receives a page from various people telling his group to lose the invincibility posts. Yeesh.

Tojo Mojo: Hey wait, I have an idea!

General: What?

Tojo Mojo walks up to NPaladin and wacks him with a really big stick.

Tojo Mojo: HaHa!!

Army Of About 35,000 Mohonian Knights: Another Victory for the Mohorovicic Discontinuity!!!!!

NPaladin: Owch! (Pops 2 Tylenol)

::NP steals the stick and hits Tojo back with it, hard.::

NPaladin: "Hey, Barney-Borg! See those whatsit-knights? Get 'em!"

::The Barney-Borg march inexorably towards the army of whatsit knights, singing their dreaded assimilation song: "I love you, you love me..."::

Tojo Mojo: My army doesn't speak English. The song means nothing to us. Ha Ha Ha!!!!


Tojo Mojo's army rushes forward to engage the Barney-Borgs.

Hmmm...this could be a problem...

::Whips out the Cell-phone::

"R&D Here!"

"Quick! I need a Universal Translator!"

"But boss, we haven't invented that yet!"

"WHAT!?! Now what am I supposed to do?"

"How are we supposed to know? YOU'RE the boss, boss!"

"And you're FIRED!!!!! *Click Click* Storeroom?"

"'sup boss?"

"Ship me 10,000 Blaster rifles, ASAP!"


::The Paladin pulls back his Barney-Borg momentarily,as the transporter effect appears, and arms them with blaster rifles....unfortunately, the Barney-Borg are to docile to wield them...:: *Cell-phone click* Genetics!"

"Genetics here"

"I need enraging! The ones we modified for the Barney-Borg!"

"On their way!"

::More transporter sparkle, and the licids appear on the Barney-Borg::

"Ok, see those guys marching towards us? They HATE purple dinosaurs! Now what are you gonna do?"

All Barney Borg: "Assimilate...Kill...Devour..Mame...Torture...Kill"


::And so the armies rush inexorably toward each other, and the violent confrontation...::

Tojo: Damn. They're enraged purple blobs now.

General: Perhaps these top-walkers are smarter than we thought.

::They hear DLE yelling to Space...

DLE: Do you have any hentai of Red XIII and Aeris?

Space: No, But I have this pick of Diddy and Dixie Kong...

DLE: How big is Dixie's shlong?

Space: Dixie? About 10".

DLE: Okay, I'll take it!::

General: Perhaps not...

Tojo: I have an idea... Get Weekly World News on the phone...

Reporter: Hello

Tojo: Yes, this is Tojo Mojo. I'd like to report a kidnaping.

Reporter: Who?

Tojo: A man named NPaladin has kidnaped Leonardo BiCrapio!!

Reporter: Oh my god!

::A few moments later, and army of swooning teenage females rush onto the battlefield and charge NPaladin's army of Barney-Borgs.::

Tojo: Ha. That should keep those Barney Borgs at bay for at least a little while.

Seeing His Dark Lordship, SlayFire instantly takes up arms and immediately begins to prepare for the assault..

Captain: Sir, all other creatures are undergoing training.. We only have 7,000 Fire Nagas to fight the Moogles with.

SlayFire looks at the ground, disappointed at first, but then remembers the power of the Nagas.

SlayFire: Very Well.. Have the Nagas prepare for battle.

In the next room, the Nagas pick up all the weapons of darkness known to man. SlayFire picks up the Dark Crystals.. Armed with the legendary Dark Crystals, the army is flawless.

SlayFire enters.

SlayFire: Alright men(?).. err.. creatures(!) The Moogles are attacking His Dark Lordship.. We move at once.

A horde of anvils falls on the Nagas, reducing his army to 6,000..

SlayFire [shouting at Narrator]: HEY! What-The-#$%@ was that for!? A 4-ton anvil falls on SlayFire. He is knocked out cold.

30 minutes later....

SlayFire: Alright, alright.. I learned my lesson.. Now, please, NO MORE ANVILS!

Although he is afraid to get up, and suffer from one of the Narrators schemes(Ain't I devious, guys!), he gets up anyway.. Then instantly falls on his ass again after tripping on the banana..

SlayFire: COME ON!

(NARRATOR) Alright, alright, no more pranks [fingers crossed]

SlayFire, now at the draw-bridge, looks at his *6,000* men force one last time..

SlayFire: Lets MOVE!


The Army rushes to the battle-ground.. As soon as the moogles are visible, the army slows down.. They slowly approach the Moogles, and take them out 1-by-1.. When there are about 1,003 left, the army lets up a shout and the Moogles turn their attention to the Fire Nagas..

A huge anvil falls on General Mog.. Nya ha!(--Quote from SoM: Neko)

Mog: Owwie...

Cloud: Here honey, lemme help.<hoists the anvil off his head>

Mog: Thanks, dear.<suddenly realizes something> Quick! Kill me!

Cloud: But why..?

Mog: Fine, I'll kill myself!<jabs himself in the gut, then the final

attack-phoenix combo he swallowed kicks in.>

Mog's army gets back up.

Dark Lord: Aw geeze!!!

After being inactive for no perticular reason for awhile, the Paladin General decides to re-enter the fray.

Alan: "Ok...Sooooo...what all was going on here?"

The Moogle Army was attacking the Dark Lord, remember!

Alan: "Oh! Yeah! we really gotta' save him? I mean...He's not exactly the most honorable guy and all...But still, he doesn't deserve to suffer at the hands of the moogle army! So! Ummmm....oh shoot...ummm...LINE!"

: "Let's go!"

Alan: : "Just give me the line and I will! I forgot it!"

: "No, no, no, don't understand...Let's go!"

Alan: "Yes, I DO understand! I just forgot my line! Sheesh! Just give me my line!"

: "No, you DON'T understand! I've given you your line twice now! Let's go!"

Alan: "I think you're a little confused...You hven't given me my line yet"

: "No, YOU'RE a bit confused! You idiot!"

Alan: "An idiot, am I?"

: "Yeah! And ugly, too!"

Alan: "That's it! You're fired!!!"

: "You can't fire me! You're not the one who hired me!"

Alan: "Fine then...just give me my line! Oh! Wait! I remembered it! Let's go!"

And so the army prepares their attack

Soldier: "SPOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!"

Alan: "No no no! We're not charging! We're using tactical combat...Sneak attacks and all."

Soldier: "Oh."

Alan: "Ok, ready guys?"

Elder of Mysidia: "Right."

All the mysidians start wishing

Using all their wishing, they are able to destroy all of the moogle army's Knights of the Round, Pheonix, Fianal attack, and master summons materia.

Alan: "Ok, now that it's a BIT fairer."

A line of archers goes forward launching sheets of arrows at the moogle army. Several Moogles are fallen and many magitek and other heavy artillary are damaged severely, a few of them renered beyond use. The moogles rebound to this attack, firing back at the archers with whatever weaponry they can manage. One perticular arrow peirces through Mog's ear.

Alan: "Hey! Give that archer who hit Mog's ear a medal!"

That perticular archer is shot by one of the enemies weapons

Alan: "Nevermind."

The battle rages on briefly and then

Alan: "Huh...Oh! My line! Pull out what's left of the archers! Send in the mages and the heavy ballistas!"

Many of the mages attacks are reflected back at them, thus limiting the Mages successfullness to minimal. However, the heavy ballistas do heavy damage to the moogle army, destroying not only many moogles, but leaving much of their equpitment in shambles

Alan: "Pull the dang Mages! Stupid reflect!"

Just then, a spell reflects and hits Alan

Alan: "Ow! I said pull the dang mages! And narrator, why do you have to be so sadistic?"

Wahahahahahaha!!!! Just then a cow falls on Alan!

Alan pushes the cow off of him

Alan: "Ow! STOP IT!!!!!"

The ballistas do an excellent job of demolishing much of the Moogle army...until...

Soldier: "Sir! We're out of ballista bolts!"

Alan: "Oh shoot...Pull the ballistas and send in the soldiers!"

Soldier: "Yes sir!"

The ballistas are pulled and the soldiers are sent in. The general and his soldiers and have a relatively easy time defeating the 4-foot tall moogles. They are diminished rather quickly until...

Mog: "Send out the Mutated Moogles!"

The mutated moogles come out. The soldiers, expecting rather easy victory, meet them head on and are slaughtered mercilessly."

Alan: "Oh! Shoot!"

The soldiers, now knowing that they are contending with much more then the usual 4-foot perverts, fight back. The soldiers are able to defeat some, but are killed much more then they are killing.

Alan: "I think I need to invest in better soldiers..."

However, although the tide seems to be turning in the Moogles favor, the moogles had allready suffered substantial losses from the ballistas and archers. They are forced to...

Mog: "Retreat!!!"

The Moogle army retreats, and everyone is safe

Alan: "Whew! That was a long post! But, everybody is safe. I would be on your guard Dark Lord. I doubt they are going to leave you alone. Watch out. And if you ever need me, just call."

ANd so the Paladin General goes out to get more (Better) soldiers, and more (and better) Balista bolts, AND more (and better) archers.

Thanks, 'ole friend."

And so the dark lord prepares his citadel for the next attack.

"Cannons! Bolt Throwers! Catapults!" then looks around. "And maybe some people to operate them...."

So he recruits several Lizar from various tribes that previously have no contact with each other to operate the machinery and as soldiers, then realizes he needs some magic appeal.

"'ole Glenn's gonna hate me for this..."

He sends a carrier raven to the isles of Medina.

As the Borg-enhanced Barnies begin battling the Moogle army, a cry echoes over the battlefield. All who hear it turn and see a figure atop the battlements of the castle.

Standing seven feet high, a broadshouldered man is seen. His dark brown hair is cropped short and matches his brown eyes. His tanned skin does not reflect as well as his mithril chain mail suit of armor.

Seeing that he has gotten the attention of the combatants, the figure reaches in back and pulls out two swords; one a long sword with a slightly white blade, the other shorter, darker, and it's edge lit by flames. He crosses the two swords and spark flashes, along with a small cloud of smoke.

The figure then appears at the bottom of the battlements. With a slight smile, he hollers his battle cry and charges at the moogles.

Quickly dodging weapons and blocking attaks, the fighter is able to slaughter five moogles in the blink of an eye. A lone moogle, cuaght off guard is impaled on the black short sword of the fighter. Lifting the creature up off of the ground, the man chuckles as the white furry creature chokes.

"Who...who are you?" gasps the moogle as his life's blood drains away through his abdomen.

"I am blood incarnate," says the man in a deep voice.

"I am Bacca."