Waaagh! Dakka Dakka Dakka!
Waaagh! Dakka Dakka Daaka!

His Dark Lordship

Drugga(da Klubba) sits in his office, with his udda wimpy guyz officer.

Drugga: Weez need somebuddy ta whack.

Gooznorg: Well, dars no stunties fightin', 'an nonuvda Panzy Pointy Earz eitha.

Drugga: Dammit Gooznorg! I wanna whack sumptin!

Gooznorg: Da Dark Lordz' keep only 'as a small force runnin' it right now.

Drugga: Perfuct! Lez whack sum 'umies!

The orks ready up the cannon and march back into the ravine, avoiding Bacca's troops by a longshot.

Wimpy soldier escort: Sir! There's a mob of orks here!

Lady Daligua(left in command of the fortress): Not again.. Okay, ready up the defences.

A scream is heard.


LD: They're here...

The troops begin firing things over the walls.

Drugga: Come out and fight like greenskins, ya masturbuators!

LD: What? How'd he know that? ::runs up to the battlements:: You foul orks! What have we done to deserve this-AAAUGH!

Lady Daligua is suddenly covered in Pig Manure.

Goblin Engineer: Turd Kannon shot a suksess!

Drugga: Awright!

LD: That's it. This is war. ::Turns to the second in command:: Fire the cannons and keep back. I'm taking a shower.

The humans do such. Cannon fire is passed and the new walls set up are somewhat demolished.

Drugga: Awright, time for da big gunz! No 'umie ever 'ad a weppon diz kewl! Bring out da 'mo dakka ballista kannon!

Three cannons with multiple cannonball barrels are brought out, with several goblins to reload it.

Drugga: FIRE!!!

Let's just say whatever was left of the outer wall is cooked.


The orks leap in. They begin to form a ladder of dead bodies and are soon over the inner wall and in the keep. Human corpses are everywhere, hacked 'n mangled. The ballistas continue to bring the walls down.

The Dark Lord looks upon it with disgust.

The keep has been taken.

Lady Daligua is washing her hair.

LD: Damn orks. Bloody infestation. Ah, I have faith in my troops.

Suddenly a bang on the door is heard.

LD: I'm in the shower! Come back later Hicks.

The door keeps on banging.

LD: *Sigh* Emergency, I suppose.

She reaches for the faucet to turn off the waterflow when she hears the door crash down.

LD: What the...?

Suddenly the curtains are pulled back and there stands before her, Drugga.

Drugga: U looze. Want 'sum dakka?

LD: Oh dear...

* * * * * * * * * *

Bacca's troop is marching towards crystal peak when the caw of a raven is heard. It lands on the chocobo's head.

Ku-sam: What the..

Raven: Cah.. Bacca, this is the dark lord.

Bacca: DL?

Raven: Hate to tell you this, but you didn't leave enough defense at the keep. The orks just finished besieging it. The soldiers that survived the orks axes have been taken as slaves. What I left in the treasury has been ransacked, and the provisions left at the keep have been taken. Most of the walls got cannoned down.

Bacca: WHAT!?!

The druidess Kaitlin rolls her eyes and mutters something under her breath.

Raven: But fear not. I am told that Edgar and the remaining Figaro troops have returned from their refuge since the last moogle war to refound Figaro. I don't know if they've got a castle built or not, but they should be able to provide refuge. Look around the southwestern edge of the Figaro desert. Good luck.

The raven flys off.

Sky H Ainsworth

Bacca is shocked.
"I, I left less then five thousand troops in the Dark Lord's Keep," stammered Bacca. "We had a new wall built, with some of the best ideas used. Triangular crenels and merlons, archer slits on the second floor, and the outer wall at least five feet thick in places.
"How, how could the orcs have retaken the keep? I can not believe it. That could not be the Dark Lord. This is some trick."
"No, that is the Dark Lord," said Kaitlin. "I could definitely sense his aura in that little bird."
Bacca accepted the fact then. He sighed.
Bacca looked up at the slowly rising peaks of the mountain range. "Do we turn around and retake the keep? Do we continue on? Do we go find Edgar?" Bacca thought aloud, not expecting an answer. He closed his eyes and thought a moment.
"We march on," said Bacca. "This does not leave our ears, no one else is to know this. Morale is good now, a rumor like that could totally ruin it. Understood?"
Everyone gave their assent.
Bacca returned his gave to the road ahead.
"At least many of the orcs must have been killed or injured in the battle," said Bacca assuaging their fears. "Those walls were designed to provide the best advantage to the defender." Bacca sighed again.
The army neared the mountains.