Bacca Gives a Pep Talk
Bacca Gives a Pep Talk

Sky H Ainsworth

As the assembled army of Lance Henriksens stood at attention before DL's keep, Bacca stood atop the ramparts and faced the army.
"I am Bacca, High Lord of All That Kicks Ass. I am your new general and leader. You have been given to me by Spacecat to help in the fight against the Moogle Horde.
"Now, you may be wondering about me and how capable a leader I am. Well, I tell you this: My father was Atma Weapon and my mother was a Brontosaurus. I played with Gas Dragons and Warmechs as a kid. I eat imps for breakfast, moogles for lunch, and orcs for dinner, and I shit Espers.
"I was once so horny I raped a dragon and she begged me for more. You heard of Kefka and that he was thrown in jail once. Well, I was in jail at the same time and he was my little bitch.
"I'm stronger then a titan, faster then a cactrot, and smarter then a pug master."
Bacca held up his hands, fingers spread out. "I have killed a man with each finger on these hands. And when I make a fist, I can kill four at a time, the fifth dies from shock.
"I'm sneakier then a ninja and as crude as Ultros.
"Now, I promise you this: I will not leave you in battle. When you are in the thick of it, and you think that all is lost, you will see me by your side, fighting with my own hands. And I won't leave your side till the enemy is defeated and you are safe. I will die for you men, and I expect the same from you.
"I may ask you to move the immovable, do the impossible, and kill the immortal before our job is done, and I expect you to do it. But do not think that I am a madman. I know what can and cannot be done.
"I know that together, we will face the moogles and we will destroy them with extreme prejudice. We will not stop till all the cities of this world have been retaken and the inhabitants returned to safety.
"So prepare yourselves. You may have a rest period now, but that does not mean it will be easy.
"Good luck, my men. Together we will fight for glory."
The army gave a cheer.