Part Two: The Moogle War Begins
Part Two: The Moogle War Begins
NPaladin & Lady Paladin are sitting on a hill drinking tea.
Fires rage, the sea is wild, and the earth begins to rot.
The ground gives way, and the two fall through. They land on a small little
rock in a sea of lava. They hear the true evil through their heads.
Mog: HAAR HAR HA HA FOO MWA DWA GA! I win!
And then Mog leaves them to their fate, as hundreds of fire Moogleborgs come
marching out of the earth's blood....
And the ground seals up above....
..and the two resourceful Paladins immediately cast X-Zone on the
moogleborgs, sucking them into an icy-cold dimension. Then NPaladin
produces his Anti-Spice-Girl/Hanson modified Rocket-
Launcher/BMG/Swiss-Army-Lightsaber/Cuisenart and Laser Excavator, and
proceeds do dig away, popping up in Mog's secret undie stash....and,
deciding that the opportunity is too good, the two Paladins proceed
to replace ALL of Mog's underwear with Barney the Purple Dinosaur
Briefs........Though they were too foolish to realize that Mog had already traded in all
the underwear he stole for Barney the Purple dinosaur Briefs....
NPaladin: Hmmm...yes, and signed by the Purple One himself, too...I wonder
where he got these...
He proceeds to paste them on the front page of every newspaper in the
"Erm... how DARE YOU!!!"
Mog's rage fills with anxiety and hatred...
Suddenly, Mog's army marches into south Figaro, pillaging it totally.
::NPaladin drives up to South Figaro in his sporty new M3Bradley
Cavalry Fighting Vehicle, along with a few thousand friends, all
sporting similar wheels. They proceed to unleash the power of their
TOW missiles and 50mm turret-mounted cannon, with a rapid fire-rate of
100 rounds per minute of anti-personnel rounds...once again,
technology proves itself as moogle parts fly everywhere...
...and necromancy proves itself as the moogle parts reform.
Mog shouts in pride as the moogles, constantly being revived, tear the
artillery apart and bring the paladins to his knees.
"Obviously not as crafty as old Alan was...."
With that, the two Paladins are sent to endure five hours of swirlies and are
then hung off Gold Saucer by their <censored for content>
At the Gold Saucer, after cutting himself loose with his Anti-Spice-
Girl/Hanson modified Rocket-Launcher/BMG/Swiss-
Army/Lightsaber/Cuisenart, NPaladin proceeds to raise another army of
Chocobos, armed with the new AIM-95 Magic Stinger missiles. Enraged
by the swirlies (they tend to bestow invincibility on the Northern
Paladin!) They launch missiles into the crowd of Moogles, then
proceed to wade amongst them, as the Chocobos, with the spell
IronStomach cast on them, proceed to dine......But the moogles burst out of them before they can reach the
chocobo's stomachs! After this, they beat The two Paladins to a bloody pulp, strip them
clean and sell them to Wall Market's brothel, where they are chained to the
wall....where they are freed by their loyal Chocobos, who have the unusual
ability to regenerate. Now armed with the new spell IronGullet,
which makes their entire digestive tract impenetrable, the Chocobo
army, who is now very angry, hunts down the pack of moogles and
proceeds to show them the meaning of "indigestion" as the moogles are
slowly digested over the course of a thousand years. Meanwhile, the
paladins chose to hang former emperor Mog from the barrel of the
Sister Ray, placing bets on which part will be vaporized first as the
button is pressed...
... but the Moogles suddenly all disappear.
"Exit magic iz da best."
In addition to escaping, the moogles decide that these insane invincibility
posts are eating at the quality of the war, and therefore, cast
oImmunetoNPaladinPosts and continue the war against other oppositions.
Mog now decides to make new plans for the war, as they seem to have lost South
Figaro in all the ruckus.
Mog: "Okay, we're gonna deploy some guys here, here and here."
Moogle Warrior: "Umm.. sir, that's the most defended spot. We're a bunch of
wimpy fireballs with spears and Borg parts. This isn't gonna work."
Mog: "What do you suggest then, Einstein?"
Moogle Warrior: "We'll need artillery. The Reptites duplicated some magitek
research notes and sold them to us during the last war. In additions, we still
have the magicite stockholded from the last war when we invaded the
esper world. We could set up an artillery of magitek weapons."
Mog: "Great idea. I have an idea for a new base of operations. We're gonna
sneak into Midgar."
Moogle Warrior: "That's suicide. Why?"
Mog: "I wanna take over Corneo's mansion."
All the moogles suddenly start grunting in joy, and pull out their posters of
Demi Moore, a scary site for all to see.
Mataya glanced up at his crystal orb especially used for spying on
sex-crazed moogles at the mention of Magicite. As a sickeningly noble
esper, he set off to free his magicite-ized friends...
Suddenly, Shrier and the A/G support are surrounded by 23 stealth bombers
piloted by Lance Henriksen clones. The Lances blow up the A/G support.
Shrier hears another transmission: "You have been taken prisoner by
Spacecat's army of Lance Henriksen clones. Land your plane immediately!"
NPaladin: Sorry, man, but that's a foul...neither the B-2 nor the F-117A (The
only Stealth Bombers in existence) have ANY air-to-air weapons. So,
the A/G support (That's Air-to-Ground, as in fighter-bombers; FA-18
Hornets, to be specific...) and Shrier do an EXCELLENT job of blowing
the idiotic, defenseless clones out of the sky, since they were silly
enough to go up and make threats without any air-to-air weapons...
But suddenly Shrier is surrounded with 159 stealth fighters equipped with air-
to-air weaponry and robotic hands (both developed by Spacecat's team of
Scientists, who are all clones of Lance Henriksen by the way.) First they
blow up all the planes around Shrier's, then they use their robotic hands to
disable Shriers weapons and capture his plane. Upon landing, they check take
him to Spacecat.
Shrier: You f*(^^ing pansy! You won't get away with this!
Spacecat: Oh yes I will, because I have you. ::Walks up to Shrier and takes a
photograph of them together::
Anchor: Lawsuits are at an all time high, and for reasons unknown, a pair of
Barney briefs is on the front cover of every news paper in the... Just a
minute, I've just been handed late breaking news. (Picture of Spacecat with
Shrier appears at the top right corner of the screen) Notorious internet user
and brilliant musician Spacecat a.k.a. Aaron Ackerson has taken hostage the
army's top fighter pilot, Shrier hostage. Spacecat has the following demands:
Audio tape of Spacecat reading his demands plays: "I want the underpants of
every member of congress, except Jesse Helms... Wait a minute, is he in
Congress? I dunno. Anyway, I also want a hentai artist who will draw any
situation I tell him or her to. And, and, I want Urban Harvest to be made
into a movie by Oliver Stone, and-"
Anchor: Spacecat's tape ran out at this point. Neither Congress nor the army
has responded to Spacecat's demands yet. In other news, despite the illegality
of it, there have been many reported sightings of Human Clones lately....
*Lady Paladin, tired of being flung from place to place in posts while
off-line, goes and retreats for awhile in a separate plane of reality.
There, she is immune to attack and can study the situation
Hmm. . . *frowns* More and more evil seems to be coming through now.
This started as a simple conflict over underwear, and has turned into a
full-fledged into dimensional and planetary war. *shakes head*
Something very serious is afoot, manifesting itself in these otherwise
strong -- but defeatable - mortals.
*summons up a 3-dimensional map of all battle fronts*
The first thing necessary is to establish what their goal is here. Is
it mere destruction? Enslavement? Greed? Or perhaps a greater power
than we can comprehend?
*presses a button and speaks into a microphone*
"Northern Paladin, we need to speak on this matter. The UPA has,
unfortunately, proved itself ineffective. We need to gather our forces
and command an assault at. . ." *gives coordinates* "Get back to me on
*walks to a runic circle and studies it quietly for awhile* Well, I
guess it is time. . .
*begins a great summoning...*
Wall Market Brothel Owner: GET OUT OF HERE YOU DAMN FURBALLS!!!! My women are
tired. Get out or I'll call Soldier!
Mog: Geeze, tie one chick to the wall and they whole town is against you.
Having returned to the original home base, Mog tries to get over being banned
from the only FF brothel around by looking at the various erotica sites he
paid for with the armies' rations and exercising his wrist, during which Aerith
found him and gave him a two hour long lecture about how his hand's been
retired and such. Of course, the Dark Lord tapped into this and put it on the
intercom of the Spacecat's Lance Henricksen army's main base and had them
laughing for hours.
Anyway, after this little side quest of his, Mog then read through his
messages. He saw a request for war from Alan. Upon reading this, a look of
inspiration came across his face.
"Alan. My enemy. Must kill! KILL! KILLLLLLL!!!!!"
So Mog and his fellow Moogles finished the magitek armor and marched out to
Alan: You've come a long way, old friend.
Mog: Shut up ya bitch, go in the kitchen and bake me a pie!
Mog: Oh, hi. Who are you?
Alan: Who were you talking to?
Alan: Can't you make a conversation?
Mog: What? Shaddup! Troops, CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lines meet, killing, slaughtering and maiming each other. Mog throws the
odd javelin at a soldier but mostly just sits on his pallequin drinking wine
and eating green herbs with his queen Aerith.
It looks though the moogles are winning due to their magitek armor, when
suddenly Kain yells angrily from the stands.
Kain: This hotdog is made of soyabeans! I've been ripped!!!!
With that he throws it into the battle, and the magical force of the
valerian's arm transforms it into a sacred relic, the golden sausage of the
The magical thunder strikes down both troops, leaving only Mog and Aerith on
one side, and Alan, Sara on the other.
Mog: Wow, that's one damn good sausage. Too bad it disintegrated.
Cartman: Aw c'mon! Let's see some gore.
Alan: No! They're god's creatures.
Cartman: Oh, go hug a tree ya hippie!
Mog: I MUST WIN!
Mog releases a stampede of chocobos. A little kid in a snowsuit watches in
horror as they trample him. Then a bunch of rats come and eat what's left of
Kyle: Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastards!!!!
And so ends the battle of Dukuwooka plain.
Alan: Waa! That was truly one of the most...strange battles I've ever
Upon having his troops decimated, the Paladin General has but one alterative
Alan: "I'm hungry...let's go eat!!"
No, no, no...That's not it.
Alan: "Oh yeah! I gotta' go back and get more troops!"
Alan, taking Sara with him, all the while wondering how on earth she got
enlisted in his army, goes to and gets reenforcements
Alan: "Now, you all know what we must do now?"
Soldier: "Ummm...Go fight off the moogles?"
Alan: "No! I'm hungry! Let's eat"
Narrator: "Stick to the script!"
Alan: "But I didn't eat lunch!"
Narrator: "You can eat after this scene! Now get on with it!"
Soldier: "Ok...So what do we gotta' do?"
Alan: "Go get one of those Hot Dogs Kain had!"
And so, Alan's army goes and arms themselves with Hot Dogs.
Narrator: "Hey! Stop eating your weapon!"
At last, the Paladin General leads his armies, ready for another battle,
screaming their battle cry: