Part One: Underwear Snatching
Part One: Underwear Snatching

Seph23: I cunningly run up behind DLE and steal his little pink heart boxers then proudly hold them up and yell, "I claim the boxers in the name of the Tribe of the Magic Underpants!"

Kaitlin eyes the deranged Seph warily, also wondering just WHERE DLE got those underwear. And what is this TotMU he speaks of . . .?::

Kain: And furthermore, WHY would DLE have them?? And for another thing....why does Seph of all people need them, hmmm???

DLE: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! My underwear!!! Damn you!!!" ::takes a deep breath:: "You had a cool sword but it will be my trophy, I shall hunt ye down to the ends of the earth and use your silver hair for stuffing in my plush Bowser!" ::pulls out the great battle horn of the far gone:: "I summoneth ye! I seek allies to aide me in my quest! Kain, canst ye hear my call?" ::waves his sword around and tries to look important::

Kain: Oh I hear ye alright, but whether I can scream back is another thing. :) *Frantically waves as well*

The UPA is a new division of the FBI's COU, as well as being under the auspice of the CIA's ODFP and this case is now ours. The first thing we need to do is have someone check for fingerprints, then we need a complete description of the underwear in question, as well as what you were doing when it was taken. Then after we laugh at you for having your underwear stolen in the first place, we shall bring this harbinger of underwear atrocity to justice.

Seph23: Again I stalk for the magical underwear. This time I come upon the unsuspecting Chaos28, and with lighting speed I snatches his tight white briefs! "Yay another pair for my collection" I scream

Chaos: Oooooooo little shit! ::Me runs up behind Seph, and gives him an atomic wedgie:: Now, Mr. LaRoach, die!!!!!!! ::Me trips him and pulls off his Disney Character socks and boxers and waves them around:: Oops! They dropped out of my hand and flew up to that flag pole. Eric, get the sacred goat! Kharis, pull out those cow plugs! IT'S SEPH CHASING TIME!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hearing the screams and evil-sounding laughter, The Druidess hastens to the world of Final Fantasy (with her loyal army of DCOAS) to warn them of the possible danger to them by Seph.

Kaitlin: Seph is back, and he's after the underwear of the universe! I've heard he has followers.

Shadow: Ha! Ha!

Kaitlin: What?

Shadow: Ha! He can't get mine!

Kaitlin: Anyone could be a victim, so we--

Shadow: I don't WEAR Underpants!

The Crowd stares at Shadow.

Kaitlin: Uhmm . . .

Shadow: I do wear underpants! But not the underpants you are talking about. I wear...specialized ninja under pants! They are much more flexible for getting out of those really tight situations. Heh. Yeah. And, they, made out of nylon! Yea! Nylon!

Seph sneak quietly up behind the Druidess. then quickly throws her over his shoulder and leaves the scene of the crime yelling, "Hehhehehehehe, the druidess is mine!"

::The Druidess begins yelling and beating at Seph as best she can, "Heeeeey!! Not fair! NOT FAIR AT ALL!" She thinks for a moment. "At least you aren't a Moogle. But . . . somebody help me! Hellp! Where are you taking me??" All the while, the Druidess is hopeful she didn't leave all her DCOASes with her clone . . . ::

A parade of Kupo's are heard in the hills.....

A scream, a shout, a pirate ship over the horizon...

And those words.... those ever dreaded words.....


A legion of moogles, with machine parts sticking out of various places, with a particularly magnificent moogle on a pallequen, with his queen Aerith at his side....

The legion stops, and the gallant king marches forward to Seph.

"I, king Mog, hereby propose you join me as my second queen!"

As Mog thunders his request, his army pounds their shields with their spears and chant the lambchop's play along theme song.....

Seph23 replies to Mog "Maybe I will be your queen." He walks up to him.."Not!" Then he pulls off his little polka dot loin cloth and run away laughing!


"NOOOO!!!!" yelps Mog.

One of his Moogle Soldiers looks at the area where his loincloth was.

"I'm surprised you could nab ANY girl with that pathetic thing..."

"SHUT UP!!!!" roared Mog as he tore the moogle to shreds.


Hoisting himself back onto the pallequin, aside his queen Aerith...


---The UPA's special Delta Unit, under the command of General Douglas Freeman, lies in wait for this attack, while discussing which of them is the ACTUAL queen in this matter...

Seeing the attack, Freeman orders his Comanche attack helicopters and A-10 Warthog attack aircraft to unleash the fury of their weapons on the moogle advance, while his MLR batteries and M1A3 tanks, sitting in defilade position, fire into the crowd creating a fog of flying moogle parts. His aide, Colonel Norton, suggests "Aren't we using TOO much force, General?" Freeman replies, "Those damn fairies in Washington don't know shit! We gotta stop these guys now, before they invade every home in America! By god, I may not have been able to stop Hanson, or that Barney thing, but I WILL have my victory today!"

Meanwhile, deep in the hills, a special combined SAS/Delta Force 4-man team consisting of David Brentwood, Aussie Lewis, "Choir" Williams, and D. Salvini, begin their hunt for Seph. Aussie comments, "He can HAVE my fucking undies, mates! So long as there's a shiela around!"


Spacecat awoke. His mouth was dry. He ran his fingers through his greasy, tangled hair. He wiped the drool from his cheek and took in his surroundings. He was in his room. The sunlight was pouring from the edges of the blinds. His alarm clock was blaring. He wondered how long it had been blaring. Spacecat looked at the LED display. 8:41 am. "Dang it to heck! I overslept again." He punched the alarm clock, shutting it off. In his sleepiness, he waddled over to the kitchen and microwaved a breakfast burrito.

While it was cooking, he turned on the radio. Wendy and Bill, the Q101 morning team, were having another debate over whether or not South Park is a good show. Space changed the channel to Rock 103.5, where Mancow was ranting as usual. "I TELL YA, IT'S A U.N. CONSPIRACY! THE UNDERWEAR THEFTS, THE PERSECUTION OF THE MOOGLES BY THE FBI. IT'S ALL FORETOLD IN REVELATIONS. Hey Turd, go do something dangerous..." Spacecat turned off the radio. He was intrigued by the situation, but he wanted to hear a more balanced viewpoint on the situation. He turned on CNN. "...And a spokesman for the UPA division of the FBI says that Seph is the number one suspect in the thefts of the so called 'un-stealable' underwear of The Dark Lord Eric, and Chaos28, both prominent members of the Order of the Sacred Goat. In unrelated news, there have recently been several terrorist attacks by Moogle extremists in the United States..."

"And so it begins," said Spacecat, "Perhaps this will solve my problem." He went back to his room and opened his closet door. He waded through the old clothes, Starting Lineup (TM) Figures, and albums of baseball cards until he found the shiny stone. He held the Magicite, closed his eyes and chanted the ancient spell. He felt a throbbing pain in his abdomen, but he knew that was to be expected. When the transformation was complete, he was no longer Spacecat, but Poochie, the Rockin' Esper Dog. He bolted out the door and flewinto the sky, where he wrote a message:


"Oops, wrong message." He erased it and wrote a new message:



He landed, transformed back into his own self, and wept. He never thought that he would turn against the ideals of Poochie, against the Sacred Goat, but he really need to get rid of that damn chastity belt...

Seph: "Okay Spacecat, I agree to help you."

"You have made a wise choice, Seph. With me on your side, you will be invincible! I have an army of Lance Henriksen clones at my disposal. I also wield the power of Poochie, the Rockin' Esper Dog! But first things first. I have heard that you have done the impossible. You have stolen the underwear of DLE and Chaos. (BTW, what do you want them for, the hearty amora?) Now I need you to remove this *$%*$#ing chastity belt from me. I was cursed with this fiendish abomination when I received an anonymous tip about a place with all the hentai I could ever want. I went there and someone hit me over the head, knocking me out. When I came to, I found that I was wearing this and I couldn't get it off. Please, release me from this..."


The Druidess screams and jumps around like the nervous wreck she is::

Kaitlin: Yes, do something, do something! I don't want to be next! Wait a minute . . . I'm the Sorceress Supreme.

::She hits herself and thenpulls out the Dead Cat on a Stick and waves it menacingly in the air as if that will do something to help the situation::

NPALADIN: There will be no vigilantes on this're under arrest for carrying a concealed DCOAS..You have the right to remain screaming.....take her away, General Freeman!

Kaitlin: Uh-oh . . .

::The Druidess stands back and holds her DCOAS before her.::

Kaitlin: What to do, what to do? Now I've been abducted by Seph AND arrested by NP's General Freeman . . . okay, here goes

::The Druidess splits into TWO Druidesses each looking exactly like the other. One of them disappears to the far reaches of wherever, and the other one stands there. She bares her fangs at the General

Kaitlin: Fine, arrest me, interrogate me if you wish--but I'm a US citizen! I have the right to free speech and the right to bear arms!

::She screams and begins hitting the General over the head with her DCOAS::

Kaitlin: No one can withstand the might of Allanon's former apprentice, Sorceress Supreme and Druidess of Paranor! No one, I tell you!

General Freeman snaps his fingers, and an M1A3 main battle tank rolls up, points it's 120mm smooth-bore cannon at Kaitlins face, and unleashes an APFSDS armor piercing round into her head.

"One down, one to go!" states the general.

Meanwhile, an F-14D Tomcat, piloted by Frank Shrier, screams across the sky at Mach 2 in pursuit of the second Druidess...

Kaitlin: That was a bit of an overkill, General sir.

The Druidess, still alive,points at him::

Kaitlin: Let's try that again, without KILLING one of the major players. :( I can't be taken out JUST like that.

Spacecat wakes from another dream, this one involving Tifa, Yuffie and azucchini. He awakes because he senses danger. He realizes what is wrong."They are after one of the Druidesses, and right now, she is with Seph. Ifthey blow her up, they'll probably get him too! I must act now!" Spacecat reaches for the Poochie Magicite again. He chants the spell, but nothing happens. "NO!! He has deserted by because of my deviation! NO!!I didn't know he could do that!"Spacecat panics. He resorts to his last line of defense...

Frank Shier hears a crackle on his radio, then a voice, "This is Lance Henriksen. I order you to cease your pursuit of the Druidess. This is your first warning."

Jacen finally hunts down Seph, sneaks up behind him, and whacks him upside the head with the DCOAS, and goes back to search for the Druidess

?????: If I recall correctly, Seph has one of the Druidesses in his possesion.

Kaitlin: Yeah, me, the good one. (SOMEbody SAVE ME! Erric! Alllan! Someone!) The other one is a dark criminal who narrowly escaped death by General Freeman, and who is now in custody . . . but not for long . . . hehehe

NPaladin: Well, that would depend on how long it would take to chew through a 5x5x5 reflective-steel box with 18 inch-thick walls and no windows....

Spacecat: How does she breathe?

NPaladin: There's a fern in there to make oxygen.

Spacecat: But wouldn't that need sunlight?

NPaladin: Nope; it's a mutated fern

Kain: Yeah not to mention the one in jail has her head blown off! ;D Fear not Kaitlin, I am working on...something... *Runs about in circles just trying to sort out "Which way did they go??!!"*

Hearing his name from a far off scream...

Alan: "Hey, what the! I've been asleep on this list again, lately! Well, I suppose it's time to take up my sword as Master General once again and save the druidess!"

He is faced with but one problem...

Alan: "Ummm...which one am I supposed to save? Ummm....After Seph it is!"

Seph: "How dare you get all these agencies on my tail! I will get my revenge!"

:: Seph snatches NPALADIN's.... ::

Seph: "Ewww!"

:: His Black velvet panties! ::

NPALADIN: "That's what you get for messing with me!" :: laughs ::

Lady Paladin goes after Seph for attacking NPALADIN, snatches Seph's undies. . . *

Lady Paladin: Oh no!

*gasps and holds up a pair of Smurf underwear*

*starts rolling on the ground, hysterically laughing*

Lady Paladin: And THAT, Seph, is what happens when you mess with paladins! *evil laugh* And don'teven think to come after me. . . I'm ready and waiting. . .

While she gloats at Seph, she doesn't notice the small moogle sneaking behind her.

"HA-HA!" cheers Mog as he pulls out her leopard skin ruffled panties.

"Friend Seph, we are at a new age, where I shall join you in your efforts of abducting underwear!"

Mog and his army march off, with Lady Paladin's undies on a flagpole, their new trophy....

Chaos uses DarkWave on Lady Paladin, and Northern Paladin, then cures himself::

Chaos: Prepare too die! THE UNDERWEAR WAR HAS BEGUN!!!!!

NPALADIN: Tempting target, wasn't it? YOU see, that stuff you think is velvet is actually a new fibrous explosive. *Holds up a remote button* Which can be detonated with...*finger slips*


NPaladin: Um....oopsie?

The SAS/Delta team, led by David Brentwood, sees the flag, and realizes only a moogle would be stupid enough to give away his position. Calling in CAS (Close Air Support), 2 AV-8B Harriers vector in, and proceed to demolish the moogle and his new flag in a withering hail of Zuni rockets, Maverick missiles, and 30mm fire from their twin Aden cannons.

When asked by the press why so much force was necessary, General Freeman replied: "Well, how would you like it if these fairies took YOUR underwear?!?"

Later, removing the Sig Sauer 9mm from under his waistband, Freeman notices his underwear is missing...

Freeman also notices a note that reads:

"That is what you get when you mess with the allies of the mighty Seph23. This is war.


Seph: "I really am starting to get annoyed with you paladins. First your NPALADIN tries to blow me up... and it hurt too! and then you come along and steal that pair of underwear I was given by my mommy.... boo hooo..."

Seph cries: "I am gonna get you for this! But for the meanwhile.."

He straps a padlock onto the belt of his pants ::

Seph: hehe"

:: NPALADIN turns the padlock over, so he can see the name of the manufacturer (Paladin Enterprises, Inc.) then proceeds to slip the master key into it, and goes running with Seph's.....oh, can't's impossible....

BARNEY BRIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!

Seph: Uh..... That wasn't a key lock NPALADIN. heh

NPALADIN: In case you never looked, many combination locks have a keyhole on the back...but the result is still the same, since I also have every combination of every combination lock made by Paladin Enterprises...and I notice you decline to comment on the underwear type...


Seph: "You think you can fool me! Shadow! hahaha think again!"

Seph deviously runs up behind Shadow and yanks off his neon yellow briefs!

Seph: "You can never get past me! hahahaha"

Shadow: You fool! I wear only nylon! Those were cotton! Those weren't mines! Those belonged to the store I was just at! I was trying them on! Yes, that's it...trying them on for size! I must have walked out with them on....and, no, yellow isn't my color at all!

Seph: "You can't dodge me forever Kain!"

He laughs. He runs up quickly and yanks off Kain's... :::

Seph: Dammit! He you don't wear any underwear!"

He is disgusted ::

Seph: ah well."

He runs away gagging.

Kain: HA! *Laughs raucously* That'll teach you....GOTCHA! *LOL*

Chaos: Now you've done it. If we are allies, I can't be held responsible for what happens for this, and I won't defend you.

Chaos goes and pokes Shadow in the head::

Chaos: We've got your briefs!"

Chaos runs into the wild blue, and hops on his ship, going to his floating city, Skyhorn::

We interrupt you with this newsbreak...Beth Davis reporting......

"This is your local news station. . . we have an important news break for you. In regards to this world-wide epidemic of underwear snatching, a press conference has been called. Wait, here is Attorney General Janet Reno about to speak. . . "

"Citizens of the United States and the world, I am sure you are now aware of this evil plot to steal all of our underwear. We in the

cabinet have just been informed that this campaign has now spread beyond just underwear -- it now includes ALL underclothes, repeat, all underclothes.

Both the FBI and CIA have been consulted over this matter, and there is only one clear solution: nudity. Since these evil beings have already extended their efforts to all underclothes, there is a great possibility that all types of clothing could soon be included. But if all citizens of the world are naked, they have nothing to steal, plus their "peeping tom" infatuation, will, in a sense, be fulfilled beyond their wildest dreams. This seems to be the only clear solution at this time. Padlocks and enchantments have been proved useless by these foul underwear nabbers. So, go naked and no harm will come to you. Thank you."

"That was the Attorney General speaking, giving us the news we have all dreaded to hear. I am afraid that we at your local news station can only have audio broadcasts from this point on -- we are already following Ms. Reno's decree. So, we beg you -- stay at home and be on guard. If they are willing to take our underwear, there is no indicator of just how low they will stoop. We will update you on this situation as soon as we are notified. Thank you. You have been watc...err...listening to channel. . . "

Spacecat: Yeah baby! Everybody GET NEKKED!!! I'll be doing that as soon as Seph takes off this here chastity belt

*Jacen becomes bored, and decides to join in the snatching fun*

:Jacen sneaks behind the Druidess, and borrows (for an undetermined amout of time) one of her DCOAS:

:Jacen then goes searching for Seph and Kain:

Kaitlin: Okay, after that boy, someone. I'm kinda occupied--no one without proper instructions should even try to handle a DCOAS! It could eat them alive!

Jacen looks at the DCOAS and thinks "thank god I remember my Cat-Fu training. Jacen finally hunts down Seph, sneaks up behind him, and whacks him upside the head with the DCOAS, and goes back to search for the Druidess.




Lightning Bolts.

"Go away!!!"



Mataya pulled himself up from the ground and stared in horror.


Underwear everywhere.

Mataya quickly checked inside his pants and breathed a sigh of relief. But

why was he asleep? Oh yeah, that duel with the Poodle King... Hmmm...

Mataya heard a scream and saw Seph hauling off a druidess. A druidess of Allanon!

What's more....

"KAITLIN!" Mataya yelled. Seph dropped the druidess with a thump and readied his sword. Seph swung, and struck air.

Mataya re-materialized behind Seph and repeatedly whacked him with a large stick. Seph counted and knocked Mataya to the ground. Just as the finishing blow was to be struck, Seph fell unconscious. Kaitlin stood, a DCOAS in one hand, Seph's underwear in the other...

The Druidess glances at the unconscious body of Seph and then stares at the underwear disgustedly, not even realizing the Care Bears all over it.

Kaitlin: Eww!

She mightily sends it screaming into the night sky . . .

Kaitlin: : Mataya! Thank you for helping me here. Now I must flee . . .

Seph walks up to the demolished mannequin..

Seph: "Thank goodness that wasn't me getting hit by that DCOAS! You dare destroy my priceless mannequin!"

Seph sneaks up behind Jacen quietly...then gives him an atomic wedgie! and runs off with his underpants.

Seph: hehehehe


:Dance-type threatening catchy music chimes in, as hidden cameras flash about the main snatchers faces, and a voice suddenly booms...::


"I am Chaos, and you, Alan, Kaitlin, Norther Paladin, Lady Paladin, Shadow, and possibly others have been chosen by the undies gods, Hanes and Joe-Boxer to compete in the great undies battle! You must help me keep Seph's and Mog's forces in the Inside-Out World, and defeat them in this mockery of a tournament. Join me! As we face our greatest challenge! Beware! You may have to face the four-brain celled beast, Dark Lord! And beware, for Seph is small and cunning, and therefore can pull down many undies in a single attack! Plus, the moogleborgs have been reprogrammed, and someone is trying to revive the Choco-borgs! Now, we must save Kaitlin, for the DCOAS is loose, and only she can kill it, and impale it on her sacred stick! It'll claw my eyes out!! I mean, uh... yes... someone must save her. I will contact you all."

::The music comes again::


Spacecat: Hey, don't forget about my army of Lance Henriksens!

Mr. Man: I will follow Seph in this war. HAHA! ALL SHALL FALL UNDER HIS POWER!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! What you need done boss?


Chaos watches as MrMan's 7-Up undies pop out from under him, and burst into flames, lighting his hair on fire

Spacecat: Ayayayerrrrrrggggh!! This is anarchy!"

In a fit of temporary insanity, Spacecat stabs Chaos in the head.

Spacecat: "Oops, sorry 'bout dat."

Chaos descends onto the mountain, the ancient summoning book of lost FFML fiends in his hands. He flips through the pages for anyone that could impact this war greatly. A smirk covers his face. "Excellent..." he says, as he opens it, pulls out his magic gloves, rises them to the lighting, and begins to chant. His generals gathered, all smiling, a small porthole begins to open.

"It's working! They are coming!! YES!"

A great cheer goes up.

"Cover the perimeter!" says Chaos. "The others cannot get up to this peak!"

"Yes sir, " replies the mighty General Darlen.

Doomsday cometh... the time is at hand...

Unseen by Chaos at extreme high-altitude, a 9-plane flight of B-52 Stratofortresses begins to unleash their Tomahawk cruise missile and Mark 84 Iron bomb warload. More explosive force that has ever been released in the history of man falls upon Chaos's peak, utterly destroying him, his book, his generals, and his portal. The squadron then receives orders to seek out their secondary target...

Seph: "I have enough Magical Underpants now to complete my scheme!"

He walks upon the mountain summit and holds his undies high into the midnight sky..

Seph: "Et ligua manga gobi sephon!"

:: A flash of light appears over the horizon and from the four corners of theearth beams spray toward the mountain. ::

Seph: "Yes it is time!"

He is raised into the air

Seph: The underwear is filling me with power! The time has come to take what I am after!

From behind a sound....

"Seph! you will not get what you are after!"

It is the UPA: the Paladins, DLE, Chaos, Jacen, Kain, Shadow and Kaitlin! ::

"We will not let you do this!"

Seph: "Ah but you have no choice!"

He calls upon Spacecat, Moogles and MrMan!

Seph: "The Final Battle of the Underwear has begun!"

They squared off on the summit of the mountain. The moogles chanted funny words and eerily at the calm of the wind a spear hit one of the UPA right into their chest.

"You will Pay for that"

A boom sounded and shells ripped toward a little moogle tearing him apart...

The weapons were flying and people wear dying the air was dank and hazily red

NPALADIN: "You dare steal my underwear!"

He ran forward and thrust out his sword critically wounding emperor Mog::

"Hahahah" -NPALADIN laughed. His laugh was cut short by the blade of a sword coming into his back.

"That is what you get for being unready" Spacecat chuckled

"No!" LadyPaladin screamed

She lashed out her sword at Spacecat slicing his ribs.... but Space held the sword in and they both went over the side of the mountain

"I am Chaos! you will now Perish!"

Chaos brought down his sword upon a helpless moogle and then turned to take Seph out.. but DLE had the same plan and was also coming after Seph. they met up about 10 feet away from where Seph was battling and..

DLE: "Go do something else he is mine!"

Chaos: "No he is mine!"

"I have been after him the longest I get to go kill him!"

"So what! I don't care if you were after him first I am killing him!"

"Why you!"

DLE swung his sword up high and tried to crush Chaos but Chaos blocked it

Seph: "Hahahaha your to late!"

In the sky opened up a dark red portal.. lighting flashed and the sky opened to bare a monstrous demon! The demon of TotMU!

Chaos: "Quickly DLE we must summon the Sacred Goat!"

DLE: "I agree!"

All of the TotSG called upon the Sacred goat and then up from the ground came a flashing light and the there stood the Sacred goat! The demon reared and went forth unto the sacred goat and the sacred goat pointed his horns out and charged as well.. the two clashed and gusts of wind blew the fighters onto the ground the sky changed into all the colors of the rainbow a deep boomed echoed round the world and when the dust settled all was gone...

Seph awoke. It was the day before he had gone insane everything had been put back to normal as if none of this had ever happened... the same went with all the other warriors from both the TotSG and TotMU... the world's underpants had once again been saved from the hordes of evil!"

And on that day Seph took off Spacecat's chastity belt :)

Thus ends the war of the underwear.

Chaos: Never! This war will not end!

He impales Seph on a flag pole::